FRED'S DEAD

I can’t imagine anything worse than having to deliver a eulogy, but recently, it happened to me.  Now, I hate funerals, and will do nearly anything to get out of going to one.  Unfortunately, this family was under the mistaken impression that I was a close friend of the deceased, and what do you say when a teary-eyed daughter drops in and practically begs you to say a few words?  I am not strong enough of heart or honest enough in spirit to refuse such a request based on the fact that I detested the bastard with every fiber of my being.  So, wimp that I am, I reluctantly agreed.

After she left, I set about, pen in hand and a clean ream of white bond at my elbow, to write something that accentuated the meager good points about this fellow.  I wracked my brain.  Hours passed.  Ashtrays grew full.  Wastebaskets overflowed with hundreds of false starts.

The funeral was the next afternoon and, at 2:00 AM, I still had nothing.  Finally, I just gave up, decided to wing it, and went to bed.

The day of the funeral was, well, funereal.  They sky was dark enough to make even an atheist believe in the Apocalypse.  Inside the funeral parlor, the organ music rose and fell like a queasy stomach as I made my way to the lectern, still having no idea what to say.

I gazed out at a sea of puddly eyes, cleared my throat, and began.                                                                        

“We are here today to bid farewell to Fred – a man who was a darned good driver.  He never drank when he was behind the wheel, and the fact that he only had one arm had nothing to do with it.

“I think the most impressive thing about Fred was how great he looked in sunglasses and those stylish tropical print Bermuda shorts he used to wear.  You have to be a special person to wear shorts like that with knee socks, wing tips, and an “I’m with Stupid” sweatshirt.  Not everyone can pull off that look, but on Fred, it was perfection.

“You could always depend on Fred for a good word – and every now and then, a complete sentence.  He went out of his way to help little children, and, to this day, I think the charges filed by their parents were trumped up.

“And that suspicious disappearance of pets in his neighborhood had absolutely nothing to do with his taxidermy hobby – I’m positive of that.  Anyone who says otherwise is a liar!  The white slavery ring was pure nonsense, too.  Fred never discriminated on the basis of color.  If you could do the job, you were OK with Fred.

“Fred was constantly getting blamed for things he had nothing to do with, and I am outraged that he had to deal with that all his life.  The fact that Fred bought a new Rolls Royce the day after the bank was robbed was pure coincidence.  If one is thrifty, one can certainly save enough for a car like that on a janitor’s salary.  And I heard that he won that trip to Switzerland.  The public is too quick to judge these things, and law enforcement too quick to make arrests.

 “And let’s not forget all the community service that Fred has performed.  True, it was part of the sentencing, but community service is community service, and should be recognized and applauded.

“But now, Fred has laid his burden down.  His troubles are over, as are those of the entire town.  Fred’s death has not been in vain.  People can now remove the bars from their windows.  Merchants can holster their handguns.  Children can play outside again.  And all because we are here today.  The entire community owes Fred a great debt of gratitude.

“Thank you.”

NEWS NEWS NEWS

Hi everyone!  A small interruption to announce that yours truly has just been published in MUNATY COOKING--an online pub originating from Dubai.  My, my. The world isn't so big anymore, is it?  At any rate, if you're looking for a double dose of Buckingham this week, the article contains a column--humorous-- about my mother being a lousy cook, and is much like my blog column, OH, THE HORROR...  So drop and and have a laugh, if you have a spare moment or two.  Oh, and there's a great recipe at the end of the article you may want to try! 

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog below this announcement.

BATS AND DINNER PARTIES

There is little that will reduce a room full of ordinary, civilized adults to terrified, shrieking infants faster than a bat fluttering through their personal space.

But let me backtrack a bit.

I had the misfortune of attending a dinner party recently.  The words “misfortune” and “dinner party” are actually synonymous, so please forgive the redundancy.  At any rate, hors d’ouevres found me engrossed in an absolutely fascinating discussion about the myriad of ways requiring the use of motorcycle helmets is adversely affecting our rights under the Constitution.  This fellow seemed to have a great deal of respect for, not only the Constitution as he viewed it, but for the sound of his own voice, as well.  I soon realized that all I’d have to do to keep up my end of the conversation was to nod occasionally and avoid turning to stone.

Just when I had decided that this person truly didn’t need to avail himself of a motorcycle helmet, since he had nothing worth protecting anyway, a diminutive uninvited quest made his presence known.

Things immediately became more interesting.

For some odd reason, women confronted by a bad flying about will immediately cover their heads while emitting wails that can lead to avalanches in higher elevations.  What they fail to realize is that bats couldn’t care less about closely inspecting their dye jobs.  Bats have no fashion sense.  It’s all the same to them if your hair is L’Oreal Blonde, Clairol Brunette, or Joe’s Midnight Maroon.  They also do not get tangled in one’s coif.  As a matter of fact, unless you have a swarm of flying insects hanging about the earrings, bats are unlikely to be interested in your company. . . especially at a dinner party.

They do have some standards.

So, the poor bat was fluttering around, just trying to find the fastest way out of there.  Since I had been pursuing as similar, and unsuccessful, course of action ever since I had arrived an hour ago, I didn’t hold out too much hope for the little fellow’s chances.

Ah, but he had one thing on his side that I didn’t have.

Intimidation and fear.

Well, two things, then.

Once the males in the group tumbled to the fact that the ladies weren’t screaming because someone was wearing white shoes after Labor Day, they swept into action.

“What should we do?” they cried, in unison.

An overly muscled athletic sort with an audible tan snatched up a nearby tennis racket (and isn’t there always one nearby?) and advanced on the creature with the requisite blood in the eye.

I, being an animal lover in the extreme, did my part by sticking out my foot at the right time. . .or the wrong time, depending upon your perspective.  He went down like a sack of. . .well, he went down.

Game and Set.

“All right!  HOLD IT DOWN!” I shouted above the din.

An eerie silence, except for the soft fluttering of erratic flight, reigned.

“When I was in the Orient, I learned a trick to call bats,” I explained.  “If you will all adjourn to the next room and close the doors behind you, I’ll get the bat out of the house with no bloodshed or damaged crockery.”

Even Pauly Shore couldn’t have cleared that room faster.

After the doors were latched and secure, I held up my hand and the bat lit on my wrist.

“What the devil took you so long, Bart?  I was bored to tears!”  I exclaimed, scratching him behind the ears.  “Come on.  Let’s get out of here.  There’s a grasshopper at home with your name on it.”

Nobody could blame me for this.  I was only following the instructions on the invitation.  If they didn’t want me to “B.Y.O.B.,” they shouldn’t have told me to!

I tucked Bart into his cage in the back seat of my car and left.

Dinner Party: 0  Bat: 1

Game, Set, and Match.

COP SHOWS AND ALKA SELTZER

Are you getting scared by all the real-life film-as-it-happens cop shows on TV?

I am.

Last night, I watched two back-to-back episodes of COPS.  I think these people are running out of locations that will have them.  They never seem to shoot in large cities, where the real crime is.  This particular episode was shot in Skunk Pit, Arkansas.  During this first half hour show, I witnessed a 40 mph car chase ending with an exciting speeding ticket, after which the cop got back in the car and expounded for the camera about how the whole world is in such a hurry, and his granny, bless her soul, always said that folks ought to just slow down and smell the flowers.

Next, he arrested a prostitute who happened to be smelling flowers at the time.

There followed a jaywalker and a six-year-old boy who had stolen a piece of candy (followed by a lecture to the camera about what a shame it is for one so young to be turning to a life of crime; followed by the officer’s “great” imitation of Don Corleone).

End of the first show.

I left the room to take an Alka-Seltzer (I think it was the Don Corleone impression that did it).  When I came back, the second show was in full swing, focusing on a 911 domestic violence call.  This show was shot in Bupkis, Arizona.

“Have to be really careful going in on a domestic violence call.  People inside could be armed.  Emotions are running pretty high,” the officer said, looking grimly into the camera and narrowly missing a pedestrian.

Arriving at the scene, he immediately called for back-up.  While he waited, he pulled an accordion out of the back seat and entertained the viewing audience with renditions of “Lady of Spain,” “The Beer Barrel Polka,” and Mozart’s “Jupiter Symphony.”  Just before I slipped into a coma, the back-up arrived.  In record time, too…only took twenty minutes.

And what back-up!  Twelve police cruisers form the three surrounding towns (Bupkis only had the one cruiser, apparently).  All the officers hopped out and crouched behind their vehicles, guns drawn.  It was really starting to look like “Alice’s Restaurant” revisited, with our Officer Obie, once again, in charge.  Photos were taken of the outside of the house.  Tire track casts were made.  Bloodhounds were turned loose.

And this was before Officer Obie even rang the bell.

As it turned out, the phone inside had been mistakenly knocked off the hook, and the family had been watching a television special about spousal abuse when the cat stepped on the 911 speed dial button.

But things were not to end there, as much as I prayed they would.  God was obviously not finished torturing me yet. Another call came in.  This time, it was a report of disturbance of the peace.  Off Officer Obie sped.

“The report said that there’s screaming and yelling going on at 322 Webb Lane.  He passed the time on the way to the scene by performing an assortment of coin tricks, while simultaneously coming within inches of two trees, a bridge abutment, and a house.

At last, he arrived at 322 Webb.

The Presbyterian Church.

Apparently, he was supposed to arrest everyone for participating in choir practice.  The complaint, it was later discovered, was lodged by the choir director of the Methodist Church next door.

It makes me proud that police are serving and protecting by tracking down these sorts of miscreants and desperadoes.  Tell the truth…don’t you feel safer?

SHOWDOWN AT THE RODEO GRILLE

WAITERS JAILED

LOS ANGELES – Five waiters at the Rodeo Grille restaurant were sentenced to prison terms of three years each for harassment of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jackie Chan, and Sylvester Stallone while the actors were having lunch last week.  The waiters surrounded the booth, trapping the three muscular megastars, and then, according to the actors, attempted to set Sylvester Stallone on fire.

“I felt so…so…violated…so used,” Schwarzenegger said, close to tears.  A pale, visibly shaken Jackie Chan echoed his sentiments, adding, “I felt so helpless, so victimized, you know?”

As a result of this, and many traumas like it experienced by celebrities all over L.A., Sylvester Stallone is donating the proceeds from his next film to fund the construction of the Safe Haven for the Culturally Confused.  This institute will offer therapy sessions and support groups to celebrities who just can’t take the fans, the adoration, and the notoriety any longer.

Stallone will be starring with Dolly Parton, Richard Simmons, and Rush Limbaugh in the long-awaited production of William Shakespeare’s HAMLET.  Chris Farley will be playing the ghost of Hamlet’s father; and Jerry van Dyke, in his dramatic debut as Laertes, promises to be one of the highlights of the picture.

When questioned further about the waiter incident, Stallone said, “Fame is a curse.  It’s absolutely disgusting that I can’t go out for a quiet lunch without being accosted.  We are sending a message with these jail sentences and I feel totally vindicated!”

Yes, it’s quiet in the Rodeo Grille tonight.  The entire waitstaff is in jail, having learned their lesson for trying to bring a birthday cake to Sylvester Stallone’s table.

KIDS AND CONVERSATIONS

Have you ever noticed how impossible it is to have an adult conversation with people who have small children?

Oh, it starts out all right, but then:

“Tommy!  Stop it!”

“So, as I was saying, I think the issue of soft money could be resolved by…”

“Excuse me.  Jennifer, take your finger out of your nose!  NOW, young lady!  I’m sorry, you were saying?”

“I was talking about abortion…”

“Tommy, now you just put that back right this minute!   I’m sorry.  What was that?”

“I mentioned how much in favor I am of trying children as adults…”

“Jennifer!  Don’t you DARE put that gum in Tommy’s hair!  I’m sorry.  Please continue.”

“On the subject of birth control…”

“Right!  Tommy!  Come here and blow your nose!  That’s disgusting!”

“As I was saying, about drowning children at birth…”

“Jennfier, if you don’t behave, young lady, we’re going home!  I really mean it this time!”

“But if people do choose to reproduce, I think the kids should be sent to concentra…”

“Tommy, don’t pull Jennifer’s hair!  That’s not nice!”

“Alternatively, you could keep the kids and euthanize the parents…”

“OK, kids, that’s it.  We’re going home.  You’re both driving me crazy!  Bye, Carson.  It was so nice talking with you.  I don’t get much of a chance for a good talk with another adult these days. Let’s get together again soon, OK?”

Sure.  When Satan skates to work.

FINS, FUR, AND FEATHERS

Did you have pets when you were little?  We did.

My parents purchased a pair of hamsters for my brother and me, because they wanted us to witness the "miracle of birth."

Well, they'd be sorry...

My little brother, Markie, ever interested in anything he was too young to understand, stepped up to Mom one day.

"Mommy, we have a male and a female hamster, right?"

"That's right."

"And they're going to have babies, right?"

"Uh huh."

"And they do something called 'mating' to make those babies, right?"

"Yes."

"Then I have a question."

"What is it?"

"When you and Daddy made me, did Daddy chase you around the room and bite you on the leg?"

So much for the hamsters.

After that, we had a series of animals that met, shall we say, an early demise.  We had tropical fish that Markie ran in, all excited, one day to report on.

"Hey, Mom!  Our fish are really smart!  They learned a trick all by themselves!"

"Really?"

"Yeah!  They can swim upside down!"

They were buried at sea, so to speak.

From there, he had parakeets that could lie on their backs for hours and hours, turtles that could concentrate so well that they never moved, a frog that croaked (with and without noise), a guinea pig that had a massive coronary when my brother arranged a surprise party for it, and a rabbit that just couldn't take it anymore, and chewed through an electrical cord.  We found the suicide note under a carrot.

Next, he had a kitten that hung in for quite a while.  It alarmed the neighbors that something at our house actually lived, and there was talk that it was possessed by evil spirits.  The kitten subsequently disappeared, and I contend, to this day, that it was kidnapped and taken to the local church for exorcism.

Then there was the hognose snake, which mysteriously "got lost."  My father found it when he put his hand in the box of nails in the garage and was met with attitude in the strike position.  Markie's bottom was met with my father's palm in the flat position.

But you know what really scares me?

Markie is in veterinary college.