LOS ANGELES – Five waiters at the Rodeo Grille restaurant were sentenced to prison terms of three years each for harassment of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jackie Chan, and Sylvester Stallone while the actors were having lunch last week. The waiters surrounded the booth, trapping the three muscular megastars, and then, according to the actors, attempted to set Sylvester Stallone on fire.
“I felt so…so…violated…so used,” Schwarzenegger said, close to tears. A pale, visibly shaken Jackie Chan echoed his sentiments, adding, “I felt so helpless, so victimized, you know?”
As a result of this, and many traumas like it experienced by celebrities all over L.A., Sylvester Stallone is donating the proceeds from his next film to fund the construction of the Safe Haven for the Culturally Confused. This institute will offer therapy sessions and support groups to celebrities who just can’t take the fans, the adoration, and the notoriety any longer.
Stallone will be starring with Dolly Parton, Richard Simmons, and Rush Limbaugh in the long-awaited production of William Shakespeare’s HAMLET. Chris Farley will be playing the ghost of Hamlet’s father; and Jerry van Dyke, in his dramatic debut as Laertes, promises to be one of the highlights of the picture.
When questioned further about the waiter incident, Stallone said, “Fame is a curse. It’s absolutely disgusting that I can’t go out for a quiet lunch without being accosted. We are sending a message with these jail sentences and I feel totally vindicated!”
Yes, it’s quiet in the Rodeo Grille tonight. The entire waitstaff is in jail, having learned their lesson for trying to bring a birthday cake to Sylvester Stallone’s table.