HORROR-Scopes for MAY 2015

ARIES (March 21-April 19)
You appear to have a task ahead of you that doesn't exactly inspire you, and you have no one to blame but yourself.  It was your idea to seek employment as a parachute tester, Aries.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
You’ve been asking yourself some difficult questions lately:  “Am I a pawn in the game of life?  Is my home really my castle?  Will I ever find my queen or my knight in shining armor?”  You should be asking yourself: “Am I obsessed with chess?”  Go play monopoly for a while, Taurus.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)
You've been experiencing tension or uncertainty lately. You might believe you have no choice other than to tolerate it but you can remove it easily.  While the rest of your family is out shopping, change the locks.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)
You have much to achieve within a finite timescale.  Ask for a phone and call the Governor from your cell.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)
There's something in your world that requires fixing now and you appear unsure about how best to do this. Admit defeat and call an electrician, already.  You’ve re-routed your wiring incorrectly twice, electrocuting your cat and your mother-in-law.  It’s a lucky thing you have a big back yard and a case of Febreeze on hand, Leo.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Good salespeople know how what they're selling separates itself from what competitors offer.  You sell encyclopedias…in the internet age.  Though the differences are many, your product does not come out ahead in comparisons.  The single advantage is that you can stand on them when you hang yourself.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
With so much beauty available, why do we feel a need to look at what's less than beautiful? It could be argued that what's beautiful would appear less so if everything was beautiful. It can also be argued that, by ignoring what's less than beautiful, we're being naive and unrealistic.  It could also be argued that we should just can the philosophy and order a pizza. 

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Is anything more annoying than someone cupping their ears and making noise when you try to make a point they don't want to hear?  Or how about people who interrupt you constantly? Or the paperboy tossing your paper in the bushes…again.  Or those people next door having loud parties until three in the morning?  You have a lot of gripes, but you can use them to your advantage, Scorpio.  You have a great future as either a stand-up comic or a serial killer.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
We can recognize friends instantly by the way they walk or even by the backs of their heads.  You recognize them by dismembered body parts.

CAPRICORN (December 23 – January 19)
Some people refuse to take medicine, believing natural methods of curing illnesses to be more effective. Before you jump on this bandwagon, remember that giant leeches are difficult to come by.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Back in the 1980s, there was a popular televised contest in Japan, appropriately called 'Endurance'. Thousands of contestants willingly participated in painful and soul destroying events and, after thousands had been eliminated, there was a single winner.  In the USA we have just such a test.  It’s called, “Watching re-runs of ‘Joanie Loves Chachi’.”

PISCES (February 18 – March 20)
We have all experienced a 'Green Eggs and Ham' scenario, where we insist we're not interested in something, eventually agree to give it a try and find we actually like it.  This is not the case here.  Eggs and ham should not be green—take them back to the store NOW!

I am always interested in your feedback.  Reach me either on Facebook or at carsonbuckingham@yahoo.com unless you are a lawyer whose client was profoundly stupid enough to actually act upon these predictions.  I really don't want to hear from you.
DISCLAIMER:  These Horrorscopes are jokes.  I have no money.  I have no valuable assets.  Do not even think of suing.  You can't get blood out of a turnip.

Copyright (c) 2011-2014 by Carson Buckingham.  All rights reserved.  No portion of this weekly column may be used/reprinted without written permission from Carson Buckingham.

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