August 16, 2013


Since my birthday is in two days, I have taken a few moments to contemplate getting older.  Here are a few helpful hints to deal with all that marching on that time does:

Always hang out with people older than you—preferably much older—though as the years pass, much older gets harder and harder to locate.  These days, I spend a lot of time at critical care assisted living units swapping stories of Prohibition, milk delivery, and Judge Crater. 

Chew raw garlic constantly. This will keep away those irritating people who cause lines in your face . . . like your family.  This has the added benefit of helping to keep your blood pressure under control. 

Pat your face liberally with olive oil before going to bed—but don’t use so much that you slide off the pillow. 

Get some exercise every day.  I alternate with raking the living room or walking to the store for more raw garlic. 

Keep an upbeat frame of mind.  Stop listening to the news. 

Find a job that you enjoy doing.  If you love being with and talking to people, get training as a counselor.  If you hate people, but love animals, perhaps working for a vet or hiding out in the woods and picking off hunters is up your alley.  If you hate people AND animals, look for work in a morgue or become an ice sculptor in Antarctica. 

Find something to do that makes you happy in your daily life.  Some people go in for gardening.  Others buy a dog.  I stop at every house on my way to the store, ring the bell, and run.  On my way back, nobody confronts me about it because I will have already eaten one whole garlic bulb.
It is critical to get enough rest.  Move out.



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