One might think that every song that can be written has already seen the light of day. I contend that this is incorrect, and I have a list of songs, mostly of the Country/Western ilk, that haven’t yet been written, but really ought to be. They are as follows:
There’s a Dragnet Out for Grandma
It’s an Icky, Icky Feeling
Do We Have a Salami?
Whatever Happened to S&H Green Stamps?
Let’s Take a Left at Des Moines
Sunshine on my Loan Shark
I Got My Dog, My Wife, and My House Back, But Now I’ve Lost My Memory
Could This Be Love or is it Diphtheria?
How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?
I’d Like to Get You On a Subway to Vicksburg
As Long as You’re Leaving Me, Would You Mail These Letters on Your Way Out of Town?
Let’s Fall in Love or I’ll Slash Your Tires
Everything is Mediocre
I’m Gonna Drink Until You Look Good to Me
I Don’t Know How to Tell You You’re Infected
All I Need is a Restraining Order
I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up, so I’ll Just Lie Here and Watch the Soaps
My Boyfriend’s Gone and the Cesspool’s Forgotten
Lake Winnipesaukee and Perogies by Moonlight
I’m Coming Back Home to Throw You Down the Well
I was a Frog, but Now I’m a Prince Who Can Swim Really Well
Don’t Leave Me Unless You Take the Kids, Too
Boogie-Woogie Tater Tots
Scrape Off the Truck Tires, We’re Eatin’ Good Tonight
Classical Gas Pains
Doublewide Duet for Alto and Tenor Sump Pump
Okay, you record label bigwigs—the lines are open and operators are standing by to take you.