September 1, 2014


         One might think that every song that can be written has already seen the light of day.  I contend that this is incorrect, and I have a list of songs, mostly of the Country/Western ilk, that haven’t yet been written, but really ought to be.  They are as follows:

There’s a Dragnet Out for Grandma

It’s an Icky, Icky Feeling

Do We Have a Salami?

Whatever Happened to S&H Green Stamps?

Let’s Take a Left at Des Moines

Sunshine on my Loan Shark

I Got My Dog, My Wife, and My House Back, But Now I’ve Lost My Memory

Could This Be Love or is it Diphtheria?

How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?

I’d Like to Get You On a Subway to Vicksburg

As Long as You’re Leaving Me, Would You Mail These Letters on Your Way Out of Town?

Let’s Fall in Love or I’ll Slash Your Tires

Everything is Mediocre

I’m Gonna Drink Until You Look Good to Me

I Don’t Know How to Tell You You’re Infected

All I Need is a Restraining Order

I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up, so I’ll Just Lie Here and Watch the Soaps

My Boyfriend’s Gone and the Cesspool’s Forgotten

Lake Winnipesaukee and Perogies by Moonlight

I’m Coming Back Home to Throw You Down the Well

I was a Frog, but Now I’m a Prince Who Can Swim Really Well

Don’t Leave Me Unless You Take the Kids, Too

Boogie-Woogie Tater Tots

Scrape Off the Truck Tires, We’re Eatin’ Good Tonight

Classical Gas Pains

Doublewide Duet for Alto and Tenor Sump Pump

           Okay, you record label bigwigs—the lines are open and operators are standing by to take you.




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