DISCLAIMER: These holidays are poked fun at from the strictly NON-RELIGIOUS standpoint.
With the fast approach of Easter, and mulling over what to write for the blog update this week, I thought about some of the ridiculously inappropriate symbols we have for such holidays and how they relate, or not, to the ways in which we celebrate them.
Let’s start with Easter. A rabbit and a basket of dyed eggs. Makes no sense. If we're discussing purely secular symbols of rising from the dead, then wouldn’t a zombie be a better? And shouldn’t children be hunting for resuscitators in cemeteries rather than eggs on manicured lawns? The traditional Easter dinner is ham or leg of lamb, but in keeping with the theme of “return” wouldn’t a big plate of beans be a better choice? You’ll certainly hear from them again after you eat them. And though the Easter lily is the traditional flower, Johnny Jump-Ups would certainly be more appropriate.
Moving right along—Mother’s Day. This is quite the holiday. If you’re smart, you’re considerate of your mother all year round, but if not, the calendar forces you to pay tribute to her on this day…and God help you if you don’t. You will buy her flowers. You will buy her jewelry. You will take her out to dinner. But no matter what you do, whether you’re 24 or 64, during dessert she is sure to say, “I still wish you’d married that nice girl you went to high school with.” And when you reply that you broke up with her because her highest goal in life was to get a job at Mustang Ranch in Nevada, her inevitable comment will be, “At least I’d have some grandchildren.” The Mother’s Day symbol should be an embroidered sampler that reads, “I told you so” and a child waving a white flag.
Next, Memorial Day—a day of remembrance American war dead. The symbology here is already the most appropriate of the lot. People get together with the family for a barbecue. Dead things are eaten, then remembered later when they go to war in our intestines. And when the family gets together, what do you have? Battles. Oh, yeah, we’re good with Memorial Day.
Father’s Day—a consolation prize so that Dad won’t feel left out. The symbols for this day should be an amusing coffee mug and a neck tie.
July 4th—celebrates our adoption of the Declaration of Independence and our break with Great Britain. Rather than fireworks, I think the symbol for Independence Day should be your lazy brother-in-law getting up off his fat butt and finding a job…preferably in England.
Labor Day—This is a celebration of the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of America. If your brother-in-law hasn’t found a job yet, this is the perfect reason not to invite him over for the barbecue. The symbol here should be the boss taking back the Labor Day holiday pay by cutting hours the following week.
Halloween—an evening of dressing in a costume and going door to door, carrying empty bags or pillowcases, begging for candy. If the homeowner doesn’t give the reveler a treat, then a “trick” is played, usually some sort of mild vandalism. I believe that this is how the Mafia got started. A carved pumpkin is the symbol, though originally, it was a turnip that was carved. It was changed to a pumpkin because nobody could bear the stench of a burning turnip. A better symbol would be an insulin-filled syringe with the Hershey’s logo on the plunger.
Thanksgiving—a day when we get together with the family and give thanks for what we have, followed by a colossal pig-out. Of course, with the family there, nobody’s happy about anything for too long unless some forward-thinking family member has the presence of mind to stuff the turkey with Prozac…lots of Prozac. The symbol for this holiday is the turkey and the cornucopia. It should be a bloated man on a couch, with his pants unzipped, half asleep, watching a football game.
Christmas—We have many symbols for this holiday: Santa Claus, the Christmas Tree, the nativity scene, jingle bells, a star, twinkly lights, gifts, stockings, snow and snowmen, sleighs, reindeer, angels, and on and on. This plethora of reminders of the season is hardly necessary, especially since Wal-Mart and establishments of that ilk have all the Christmas decorations on display the day after Halloween and holiday music blaring throughout the stores. By the time Christmas arrives, we are actually sick to death of “peace on earth, good will to men,” and will vomit upon hearing the first seven notes of any Christmas carol you’d care to name. A better symbol for Christmas would be an empty wallet and a full cash register. Or a father holding up a necktie.
New Year’s Eve—Though the actual holiday is New Year’s Day, the celebration occurs the night before. Streamers, confetti, and noise-makers are the symbols here, along with glasses of champagne. They are nice thoughts, but more a accurate depiction would be someone throwing up in the back seat of a taxi, an empty Jim Beam bottle, and an ice bag. Oh, and cars wrapped around telephone poles—let’s not forget those.
Valentine’s Day—another “participate or die” day. Symbols here are a dozen red roses, chocolates in a heart-shaped box, expensive jewelry, dining out, and hearts in general. Better symbols would be a guy with a gun to his head or a dozen roses bearing a price tag of $250.00 with the previous price of $30 crossed out.
St. Patrick’s Day—See New Year’s Eve, but in green.