CHAIN SAWS AND YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, RAISING GIRAFFES AT HOME, AND ALBANIAN LITERATURE

Glendale Community College just sent me their yearly schedule for Adult Education night courses, despite my best efforts to stop them. For those of you unfamiliar with this, it’s a course offering that no one on the outside of a lunatic asylum would be remotely interested in exploring. However, the fees are reasonable, so Adult Education remains a popular way of allowing folks my age and older to go out and make fools or hospital patients of themselves by dabbling in such things as knife throwing, juggling, and unicycle racing . . . affordably.

I’d like to share with you this year's course offering . . . maybe you’ll want to sign up. Maybe you'll want to sign up your neighbor with the drum set and take out a large insurance policy on him . . .

ARTS/CRAFTS/HOBBIES

Knitting Your Way to Regularity

Human Skin Collages

Watercolors—Your Key to Desert Survival

Building Your Own Home from Recycled Ivory Snow Containers and      Construction Paper

Ignoring Your Spouse with Paper Mache 

FITNESS

Rappelling for City Dwellers

Push-up Bras and Your Health

Aerobics and the Bible

Volcano Rollerblading

Wheelchair Karate

Weight Training with Used Cars

Your Hernia and You

NEW AGE (yes, it’s still with us!)/PARANORMAL

Edible Trees

Organic Dancing

Shamanic Drumming to Annoy Your Neighbors

Healing with Mulch

Exploring Haunted Cesspools

Beadwork and the Zen of Bleeding

Recycling Finger Cymbals and Fringe

Your Inner Child:  An Excuse for Everything 

SURVIVALIST

New York City Parades

An Evening with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Marriage to Tom Cruise

A Chris Farley Movie Marathon

Shopping at Toys R Us the Day After Thanksgiving 

HEALTH

Russian Literature and Depression

Running in Place in Sixteen Easy Steps

Advanced Running in Place

Assault Weapons – Your Shortcut to Mental Health

Handy Household Uses for Phlegm 

PETS

Dog House Construction with Back Issues of The National Enquirer

Teaching Your Parrot to Shut the Fuck Up

Housebreaking Your Rattlesnake

Cute Tarantula Tricks

Feral Cat Herding in Las Vegas (field trip included)

SCRABBLE for Ferrets 

COOKING

Nuclear Microwaving

Creating a Clam Bake in Your Hot Tub

Canning and Preserving Tropical Fish

Pork Sushi

Chicken Tartare

Flamethrowers and Quick Searing