February 22, 2013


           It seems that telephone psychics are on the rise yet again, at least where I live.  I must confess that I’m amazed by the growing number of these people littering the airwaves.  You've seen the ads, haven’t you?  People call in, the psychic gives them a reading over the phone, and then the callers pay for it . . . hoo boy, do they pay for it!
What I don’t understand is why anyone has to call them.  They’re psychics, aren’t they?  They should call you!
I think the ads should be more like this:
Psychic City!  Learn about what’s going on in your life (in case you haven’t been paying attention).  We can tell you your child’s name!  We can tell you if you’re married or single!  We can tell you if you if you’ve recently become engaged!  PLUS, we can make dangerous, relationship-ruining guesses that your husband is cheating on you or that the child that’s on the way isn’t yours!  We can tell you that your girlfriend doesn’t love you, with no evidence whatsoever!  This way, you can stop at the hardware store on your way home and buy that marked-down machete and take care of the problems you didn’t know you had until you talked with US!  We can destroy your life and reduce you to a hollowed out husk of a human being, and the first three minutes are free!  Naturally, we’ll keep you on hold for those three minutes, but after that, the call only costs $11 per minute, with the average call lasting 25-30 minutes.  But isn’t that a small price to pay for someone to completely shatter your peace of mind and send you screaming into the streets?
Of course it is!
Wouldn’t you rather know that your husband is contemplating an affair with his cheap slut floozy secretary?  Though he may not ever follow through on it, he definitely won’t if you poison his oatmeal.  And isn’t that better than tripping through your life in blissful ignorance, with a false sense of happiness and well-being?
Of course it is!
Our psychics are waiting to talk with you now!  Just pick up the phone.  You don’t need to dial anything.  Just pick up the phone!
Psychic City is brought to you by the American Bar Association.



  1. Thanks. The fact is, this piece is funny, sad, frightening, and truthful all at the same time!

  2. Loved it, esp. the sponsor. Great job. Also liked the writer t-shirt and the ducks.

  3. Leave it to my friend, Chip Rutan to one-up me on my own blog! LOL! Well done, Chip!