Lesson #1 – Salacious Rumors, assorted Lies, and Miscellaneous Gossip
Somewhere along the line, those
inevitable lean days for news will sneak up on you (or, in my case, will lie in
wait and ambush you, day after day).
Nothing is happening, town officials are taking five-hour lunches, and
everybody else is on vacation. The
ever-present five o’clock deadline is looming closer by the minute, and there
is only one thing left to do.
Make something up.
Oh, don’t look so shocked. It’s very simple, it’s done all the time, and
it makes terrific copy. All you have to
do is think up a nasty rumor about a town official, then call that official,
repeat your newly-born rumor, and ask for verification.
Here’s a short example:
Reporter: Mrs. Swane, is it true that, as First
Selectman, you’ve been dipping into the town General Fund for personal use?
FS (First Selectman): Absolutely not! That’s a vicious lie!
Reporter: My sources tell me that you’re building a
castle out in Winthrop, complete with a moat.
Isn’t that quite expensive considering the salary you’re paid?
FS: It’s beyond my comprehension how these rumors
get started. I am not, I repeat, not building
a castle!
Reporter: Exactly what are you building, then?
FS: (quickly)
It’s just a replica of the Taj Mahal.
And it doesn’t have a moat, just a small reflecting pool out front.
Reporter: But it is filled with alligators . . .
FS: Well, yes, but they ate the Second Selectman
last week, so they’re pretty docile at the moment. They do get testy when they’re hungry,
though.
Reporter: Don’t you think “testy” is an awfully mild
term to describe killer reptiles?
FS: I don’t understand why everyone is so down on
my alligators! I need protection out
there in the woods.
Reporter: Mrs. Swane, I’ve seen your home and I’d
hardly call it “woodsy.”
FS: Well, it does have trees all around . . .
Reporter: There are only two trees on your entire lot!
FS: But there are lots of bushes!
Reporter: That’s true.
With all those shrubs to hide behind, you’re just asking for a pygmy
attack.
FS: Well, my husband died last year, and I do
need the security.
Reporter: Don’t the jackals take care of that?
FS: Oh, you’ve seen the jackals, have you?
Reporter: Yes, but they saw me first.
FS: Oh, my!
Are you all right?
Reporter: Sure.
I’ll be out of the hospital in another month, and then they tell me that
I shouldn’t have any trouble learning to walk again, with my new artificial
leg. Now, to get back to this General
Fund thing . . .
FS: I told you already . . . it’s
ridiculous!
Reporter: Then perhaps you could tell me why the town
is running on a $200,000 deficit, with a safe deposit box full of IOUs signed,
“A Friend.”
FS: I don’t know anything about those IOUs! However, the deficit can be laid at the feet
of the town sanitation crew. The cost of
garbage collection has simply skyrocketed this year!
Reporter: But the townspeople pay for garbage pickup.
FS: Oh, yes.
That’s right. Well, upkeep on the
truck is very costly.
Reporter: $200,000 worth?
FS: Well, we had to replace a tire.
Reporter: Where did you buy it? Fort Knox?
FS: No, but it was handmade in Akron, Ohio. Labor isn’t cheap, you know. As I always say, you get what you pay for.
Reporter: Well, that just goes to show you why you’re
where you are and I’m where I am. I
would have done something silly, like take it to an ordinary service station
and have a regular tire put on.
FS: I guess I can’t really expect you to
understand the inner workings of town government, since you’re just a
reporter. Well, I’m sorry, but I’ll have
to hang up now. It’s time to feed my
piranhas, and I just got some meat out of the freezer . . .
Reporter: Wait, wait!
I wanted to ask you about the disappearance of the Third Selectman!
<CLICK>
So funny. Loved it. I eventually left a small town paper because I refused to follow such "leads" and editor wanted more excitement in the "news."
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