LOOSELY TRANSLATED

I am so excited!  I recently returned from Europe after a two-month stay, only to discover that someone I had met in Paris had dropped me a line.

I am also quite proud of my ability to translate it.  I didn’t know any French at all before visiting Paris, but within a day or two, I was jabbering away like a native!  As a matter of fact, here is the letter, with my expert translation capitalized and in parentheses.

 

Mars 2012  (MAILED FROM MARS IN 2012)

Bonjour!  (WASSUP?)

Comment vas tu?  (I TRUST YOU HAVE RECOVERED FROM THE DYSENTERY). J’ai tres bien (THE PEN OF MY AUNT IS IN THE GARDEN OF MY UNCLE).  Quelle heur est t’il?  (DID YOU SPEND HOURS EXPRESSING DISGUST AT THE SMALLNESS OF THE MONA LISA?)  Moi, aussi  (MY BUTT IS THE VICTIM OF PAINFUL CONSTIPATION).  C’est vrai, il ne pas chocolate  (COULD YOU PLEASE SEND SOME EX-LAX?)  Madonna aussi  (I UNDERSTAND THAT MADONNA HAS THE SAME PROBLEM).  L plume de ma tante est en le jardin de mon oncle  (WHILE IN PARIS, DID YOU EAT MUCH SPOILED FOOD COVERED IN RICH CREAM SAUCES?)  Oui  (ALSO, SEND ME SOME NAUGHTY MAGAZINES).  Comment s’appelle t’il?  (IS IT TRUE THAT THE TERM “FRENCH KISSING” IS DERIVED FROM WHAT U.S. GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS ARE COMPELLED TO DO TO FRENCH HEADS OF STATE’S NETHER REGIONS IN ORDER TO SECURE ANY SORT OF EVEN THE REMOTEST COOPERATION?)  Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?  (HAVE YOU PURCHASED A NEW COUCH?)  Present-nous, veux tu?  (GIVE ME THE NEWSPAPER BEFORE I BECOME VEXED).  Des saucises, sans doubt  (THE SPAGHETTI SAUCE IS FULL OF SAND).

Au revoir  (LATER, DUDETTE)

Jean Paul  (GEORGE RINGO)

 

If you have anything you need translated, be sure to send it my way.  I’m always glad to help.