Born on March 14,
1879, it is a little known fact that Albert Einstein spent several years as a
conductor, especially in early childhood, during which he passed many
happy hours wetting his index finger and inserting it into the nearest live
outlet.
After his formative
years in the ICU, Albert "Short Circuit" Einstein attended university
to pursue his interest in electronics in Earnest--a small town outside of Oslo.
Early in his college career, he demonstrated a bent for invention when he
discovered that he could light up an entire room merely by leaving it.
Following his
expulsion from university, Albert was hired by
Kirschenwassenstrassegottedammerung, Inc., in Germany, by representing himself
as the reincarnation of Thomas Edison. This confused many people, since
Edison had not yet died. Shortly after joining the company, Albert's
inventiveness reasserted itself and he came up with a procedure for creating
life from dead, sewn-together corpses, using lightning as a life-giving
catalyst. Unfortunately, the chairman of the board of directors, who was
also clairvoyant, shelved the project, explaining that "one Henry
Kissinger is all we'll ever be needing, thank you very much!"
Disheartened, Albert
moved his lab to America and took up residence at M.I.T., where he proceeded to
create such popular items as the hand-held atomic cyclotron, an electron
microscope the size of three city blocks, the joy buzzer, wind up clacking
teeth, and a car seat that, when the ignition key is turned, delivers a 2,000
amp jolt of electricity that fuses the colon shut in less than two seconds…a
real plus for those long road trips.
One day, while
preparing a wiener schnitzel, he jotted down what is now called the Theory of
Relativity, or E=mc2. Though its usual interpretation is:
Energy=mass x constant squared, it was actually a lunch order for his
secretary, and, properly interpreted, means:
Ethel wants 2 Big
Macs (Ethel hated wiener schnitzel!)
This, once again,
serves to prove that behind every man's success stands a good woman…one with a
rather large appetite who had a butt you could show drive-in movies on, but a
good woman nonetheless.
Once the alternate
interpretation was explained to him, Einstein saw big possibilities in using it
to create a product for blowing that huge stump in his back yard out of the
damned lawn for good and all, and for getting rid of that Rottweiler down the
street that crapped on his newspaper every single morning before he even got a
chance to read it. He felt that it also had potential as a cure for
constipation.
However, the world
had a wider application in mind.
Since the majority of world conquerors have been diminutive, such as
Napoleon, Caesar, and Dr. Ruth, the US government felt that this formula could prove
useful in dealing with future conquerors. On December 7, 1941, Japan volunteered
to be a test subject, thereby saving millions in research costs and long
distance telephone bills.
Watching in horror as
the bombs were dropped, Einstein immediately took steps to see that nothing
like this ever happened again.
He fired Ethel.
Einstein is best
remembered for a computer game called, "Nuclear Golf." This was
a huge financial success until, due to a programming glitch, parents kept
finding their children burned to a crisp in front of video screens flashing,
"You Lose!" Even the damage control move of packaging the game
with an air freshener and a stain remover failed to turn Albert's fortunes
around and after all the lawsuits were settled, he died in penniless obscurity.
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