April 24, 2011


Born on March 14, 1879, it is a little known fact that Albert Einstein spent several years as a conductor, especially in early childhood, during which he passed many happy hours wetting his index finger and inserting it into the nearest live outlet.

After his formative years in the ICU, Albert "Short Circuit" Einstein attended university to pursue his interest in electronics in Earnest--a small town outside of Oslo.  Early in his college career, he demonstrated a bent for invention when he discovered that he could light up an entire room merely by leaving it.

Following his expulsion from university, Albert was hired by Kirschenwassenstrassegottedammerung, Inc., in Germany, by representing himself as the reincarnation of Thomas Edison.  This confused many people, since Edison had not yet died.  Shortly after joining the company, Albert's inventiveness reasserted itself and he came up with a procedure for creating life from dead, sewn-together corpses, using lightning as a life-giving catalyst.  Unfortunately, the chairman of the board of directors, who was also clairvoyant, shelved the project, explaining that "one Henry Kissinger is all we'll ever be needing, thank you very much!"

Disheartened, Albert moved his lab to America and took up residence at M.I.T., where he proceeded to create such popular items as the hand-held atomic cyclotron, an electron microscope the size of three city blocks, the joy buzzer, wind up clacking teeth, and a car seat that, when the ignition key is turned, delivers a 2,000 amp jolt of electricity that fuses the colon shut in less than two seconds…a real plus for those long road trips.

One day, while preparing a wiener schnitzel, he jotted down what is now called the Theory of Relativity, or E=mc2.  Though its usual interpretation is: Energy=mass x constant squared, it was actually a lunch order for his secretary, and, properly interpreted, means:

Ethel wants 2 Big Macs (Ethel hated wiener schnitzel!)

This, once again, serves to prove that behind every man's success stands a good woman…one with a rather large appetite who had a butt you could show drive-in movies on, but a good woman nonetheless.

Once the alternate interpretation was explained to him, Einstein saw big possibilities in using it to create a product for blowing that huge stump in his back yard out of the damned lawn for good and all, and for getting rid of that Rottweiler down the street that crapped on his newspaper every single morning before he even got a chance to read it.  He felt that it also had potential as a cure for constipation.

However, the world had a wider application in mind.

Since the majority of world conquerors have been diminutive, such as Napoleon, Caesar, and Dr. Ruth, the US government felt that this formula could prove useful in dealing with future conquerors.  On December 7, 1941, Japan volunteered to be a test subject, thereby saving millions in research costs and long distance telephone bills.

Watching in horror as the bombs were dropped, Einstein immediately took steps to see that nothing like this ever happened again.

He fired Ethel.

Einstein is best remembered for a computer game called, "Nuclear Golf."  This was a huge financial success until, due to a programming glitch, parents kept finding their children burned to a crisp in front of video screens flashing, "You Lose!"  Even the damage control move of packaging the game with an air freshener and a stain remover failed to turn Albert's fortunes around and after all the lawsuits were settled, he died in penniless obscurity.


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