Did you ever find
yourself roped into tending bar at a party? Now, I don't know about you,
but if it's anything but a glass of wine, beer, or something straight, I'm at a
total loss. But I'd made the mistake of asking the hostess if there was
anything I could do to help, and KAZAM! I was in charge of libations.
Of course, the first
person who walked up wanted some ghastly concoction called a "Sea
Breeze." Not wanting to reveal my ignorance, I mixed up a glass of
salt water and sand and handed him a paper fan. He gave me a funny look
and walked away.
"I'd like a
'Harvey Wallbanger,' please," a rotund little fellow said.
"OK," I
replied cheerfully. I gave him a glass of half orange juice and half
horseradish. I didn't know if his name was Harvey or not, but he sure was
banging on the walls after he gulped that down!
"A 'Fuzzy
Navel,' please."
"Sure!"
Orange juice and cat hair! Next!
"Vodka and
tonic, please."
Easy! Stoli and
Geritol! Who needs bartending school?
"A 'Pina
Colada,' if you would."
"Comin' right
up!" If I recalled my Spanish correctly, "pina colada"
translated to "spastic colon," so I gave him a glass of six squares
of Ex-Lax dissolved in hot prune juice. No one saw him again after he
drank it, but looking out the window, I could see lines forming at the service
station restrooms across the street, since no one could get into the bathroom
here.
"I'd like a 'Mai
Tai.'"
"You already
have-a your tie," I replied, trying to sound as Italian as he did, so he
wouldn't feel uncomfortable. He walked away looking confused.
"A
'Boilermaker,' please."
"Right!"
A glass of apricot juice, Night Train, and sterno.
"What IS
this?" he gasped after his first sip.
"Your
'Boilermaker.' I get boils every time I drink it."
"Okay, let me
rephrase," he said. "I'd like a shot and a beer."
"Really?"
"YES!"
I
shrugged. "Okay." I punched him in the nose and handed
him a beer.
A young woman stepped
up. "I'd like an 'Orgasm,' please."
"Who
wouldn't?"
"I mean to
drink!"
"Honey, what you
do behind closed doors is your business. Who's next?"
"A 'Rusty Nail,'
please."
"No
problem. If you'll just step out into the garage…"
Am I a great
bartender, or what?
