tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64425426393717420512024-03-05T13:02:55.046-07:00CARSON BUCKINGHAMCarson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.comBlogger177125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-54024891221457206762016-04-30T06:44:00.000-07:002016-04-30T09:45:41.228-07:00DOCTORS, NUDITY & WORLD OF WARCRAFT<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">Man, medicine sure has changed
since I was younger.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">I know, I know—I sound like an
old fart.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">That’s only because I am.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">I needed a physical, and since my
old doctor quit the profession and moved to Bora Bora, I went to a new doctor. New to me, that is; although they all look ten
years old these days.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">At any rate, I was ushered into
the examining room after only a ten minute wait. “This is pretty good,” I thought.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">The doctor came in directly.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Don’t you want me to take my
clothes off and put on one of those hospital gowns?” I asked.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">She looked at me as if I had just
suggested something filthy.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“That won’t be necessary.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Well, how can you do a complete
physical if you can’t see my body?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“That won’t be necessary,” she
repeated.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“But suppose I have a mole on my back that’s turned black with cancer? If I leave my clothes on, you’ll never see it.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“<i>Do</i> you have a mole on your back that has turned black?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“If it’s on my back, how am I supposed to know? Isn’t that
your job?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">She laid a George Dubbya smirk on
me and replied, “Let’s begin, shall we?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">Sigh.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">She put on three pairs of
surgical gloves, a pair of mittens and over that, a pair of chain mail
gauntlets, then picked up her stethoscope.
She placed it against my back and asked me to inhale and exhale
repeatedly.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">I also find it interesting that
they keep whatever information they glean from such procedures completely to
themselves unless you pry it out of them.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“So?” I ask, as she puts the
stethoscope in her pocket.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“‘So’ what?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“So how do my lungs sound?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“You’re breathing.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Oh, good.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">Next, she stands as far away from
me as she can and looks into my ears.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">I refrain from further inquiry
this time, keeping my growing irritation to myself.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">The blood pressure cuff next.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Hmmmm,” she hmmmms.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“What?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Your blood pressure is a little
high.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“<i>Qu’elle surprise</i>.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">She walks
across the room and sits at her computer, typing away.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">She has not
checked my glands, looked at my throat, examined my breasts or weighed me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">I’m beginning
to question if I’m even there. What she’s
done so far is avoided touching me at all.
I feel diseased.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">The visit was
doing nothing for my self-esteem, let me tell you.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">Once she gets
her nose out of the computer, she prints off and hands me a sheaf of paper…a <i>big</i> sheaf of paper.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“What’s this?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Referrals.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“For
what? What’s wrong with me?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“I have no
idea.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">Suddenly, I
have an awful thought. “Are you the
receptionist?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“No.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Maintenance
personnel?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“No. I’m the doctor.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Prove it.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Why?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Because, so
far, you have barely looked at me, are treating me like I have Ebola, and haven’t
asked about my medical history. Is this
the way you deal with all your new patients?
Is there something about living, breathing humanity that you think requires
genocide to cleanse the planet? What the
hell is going on here?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">She sighs and
shakes her head. “Please take these
referrals and make appointments with the specialists on them, then get back to
me when you have the results.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Don’t they
send <i>you</i> the results?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“That won’t be
necessary—you’ll have them.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">I paged
through the half-ream of paper she gave me.
“Let’s see…cardiologist, even though, had you asked me, I could have
told you that there is no history of heart problems in my family. Endocrinologist…uh, I think I’ve probably
stopped growing and am of a normal height.
Pulmonologist…I ran the Boston Marathon this year and came in second. Dermatologist…my acne days are rather far
behind me. Rheumatologist…not a bit of
arthritis, either.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">The list just
went on and on.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“So what you’re
saying is that you want all these other doctors to do your job for you, while
you get paid to play World of Warcraft or whatever you were doing on that
damned computer. Christ, you didn’t even
draw my blood!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“That won’t be
necessary.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Oh, right,
because I have to go to a specialist for that, too, right?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Yes.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Where,
exactly, did you get your diploma?
McDonald’s?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Guadalajara
University.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">I gathered up
my paperwork and left.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">When I went to
the front desk to check out, the perky little blonde asked, “Would you like to
make your next appointment?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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necessary,” I replied.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-38496181221099140872016-03-19T09:20:00.000-07:002016-03-19T09:20:03.173-07:00SMALL-TOWN DESPERATION<br />
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">I have often been accused of having more courage than brains; and reliving these experiences on paper, I find I must bow to an observant public.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">My editor (a/k/a “Attila”), having assigned me the impossible task of covering Deep River, that thriving metropolis all of one square mile large, was done with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I left his office with no names, no addresses, and no leads.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The only thing I knew for sure was the location of this diminutive burg and the telephone number of the Town Hall.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">I decided that the first thing I ought to do was to call the Town Clerk and get the schedule of town meetings for the month.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At least it would be <i>something</i> to cover.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here’s what happened:</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">“Hello?”</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">“Hello.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Town Clerk, please.”</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">“This is the Town Clerk,” the same voice replied.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">“Oh, well this is the Provincial Picayune Gazette reporter for Deep River.”</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">After her hysterical fit of laughter subsided, she asked, “What can I do for you?”</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">“I’d like the schedule of the town meetings for this month,” I replied.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">Following another seemingly endless guffaw, she asked, “Honey, are you kidding?”</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">I assured her I was not.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">“Lady,” she chuckled, “we haven’t had a town meeting here since the garbage truck broke down back in 1910!”</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">Seeing that I was getting nowhere with this human cabbage, I asked to be connected with the First Selectman.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">“Speaking,” she said.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">I rattled off a list of every official position I could think of, asked to speak to each one of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She answered to them all, right down to dogcatcher and second-in-command of the local flea circus.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">Disheartened, I hung up the phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But then, like a thunderclap, an idea boiled up in my brain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why not call a resident and do an expose on living inside a small town dictatorship?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or, better still, the pros and cons of living in a ghost town?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trembling in anticipation, I located a telephone directory and began flipping pages.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went through that phone book at least seven times, but Deep River was nowhere to be found.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Somewhat irritated that Ma Bell had seen fit to deny the very existence of the town I was reporting on, I called the telephone company to inquire as to what they had done with Deep River; because, if it’s not listed in the directory, then it surely must no longer exist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For that matter, things were getting so surreal, that I began to believe that it might never have existed at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The telephone company has an ‘in” on these matters, and their word is not to be doubted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a matter of fact, if the directory is published and your name is omitted, it might be a wise idea to check your pulse.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">When the receiver at the telephone company was lifted, I prostrated myself in a position of submission and asked, “May I speak to the Holy One?”</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">“Do you have Vatican approval?”</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">“No,” I answered,” but it is a matter of the utmost urgency.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure the Benevolent One will understand, if you will please make an exception.”</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">“The Christian Patriarch understands all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I shall put you through,” she said softly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I was connected with HIM . . . the One in charge of Customer Service.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">“Oh, Great Lover of Truth and Light,” I addressed Him, “Will you suffer to answer a question from a humble, unworthy servant?”</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">“Yes, my child,” He replied.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">“Oh, Master of Wisdom and Keeper of Charity, <i>where</i> is Deep River?”</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">“Page 23,” He said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“May the Lord bless you and keep you and endow you monthly with wealth and an abundance of long-distance telephone calls.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then he hung up with a gentle click.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">Awestruck by the religious experience I’d just been through, I quietly replaced the receiver in its cradle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No church service had ever been like this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was like a direct line to the Almighty, who, if He were located on earth would, out of necessity, be the CEO of the telephone company in order to maintain the equivalent measure of power He enjoyed in heaven.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">After considering whether or not the current CEO could walk across the Connecticut River unaided by a bridge, I remembered my original purpose and picked up the directory once again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What had he said?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Page 23?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I turned to the twenties.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No Deep River . . . and what was worse, no page 23 – until I looked closer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Page 23 was stuck between pages 22 and 24.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I disengaged it and looked upon the Deep River listings . . .a full half page of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first half was comprised of a listing of Town Offices; all, of course, with the same telephone number after each one.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">A tear trickled from the corner of my eye as I counted up the population of Deep River . . . on one hand . . . with fingers to spare.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">I did find a listing for the Boy Scouts of America, oddly enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With that in mind, I phoned and arranged for an interview about scouting in Deep River.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got a Pulitzer Prize-worthy scoop about the town’s negligence in providing the Boy Scouts with a place to meet and hold functions. The fellow I spoke with had been the scout leader for the last 35 years, but didn’t have a whole lot to do, since no one had joined his scout troop . . . ever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">It was my considered opinion that if a meeting place had been erected, he would have moved in there; lock, stock and torn tee shirt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anything to escape the rabbit hutch he was presently inhabiting, along with six dogs and twelve cats, which, if the fragrance filling the house was any indication, he never let outside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the noise!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The dogs tore at the cats and the cats scratched at the dogs until it was no longer possible to determine which was which, unless you judged by height and amount of blood.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">As soon as I was able, I beat a hasty retreat from the premises.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After I dried my tears and blew my nose on my interview, I drove to the town garage, punched quarter-sized holes in every tire on the garbage truck, and poured five pounds of sugar into the gas tank.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9933; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;">There was a town meeting that Friday at 8:00.</span></div>
Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-32161673755419662462016-02-28T09:00:00.005-07:002016-02-28T09:00:56.484-07:00INSOMNIA, EXPLOSIVES & AMPUTATION<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;"> I’m an insomniac.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, to be more precise, I’m a depressed insomniac.</span><br />
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">Let me explain.</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">I’ve had problems sleeping all my life, but it had grown much worse lately, so my doctor prescribed sleeping pills and told me to call him in a week to let him know how I was feeling.</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">After a week, I called to tell him that the pills weren’t working.</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">He was busy.</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">I left my number.</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">He never called back.</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">This game of telephone tag, in which I was the sole participant, went on for 10 days.</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">Depression set in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t need this kind of rejection, on top of being exhausted.</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">When he finally did call, I told him that I was disappointed in the sleeping pills, and now I was not only wide awake at night, but wide awake and depressed.</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">He prescribed a stronger sleeping pill and put me on Prozac.</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">I drove to my neighborhood pharmacy to pick up the $11 worth of sleeping pills and the Prozac.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before handing them to me, the pharmacist said, “You’re not going to be happy about this.”</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">“So what?” I replied.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I’m not happy about anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m depressed.”</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">He shrugged and handed me the prescriptions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Prozac had a price tag of $162.00!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For 30 pills!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I was depressed when I walked in, I was sure to be suicidal when I walked out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What are these drug companies thinking?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They create a pill to effectively treat depression, and then make it unaffordable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had no idea that the Marquis de Sade was alive and well and running Dista Pharmaceuticals these days.</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">Now I’m more depressed than ever, and I can’t sleep for worrying about how I’m going to pay for this stuff each month.</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">I concluded that if I ever wanted another wink of sleep, I needed to get away from all my stress for a while.</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">Having no money, I decided to stow away on an ocean liner.</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">It was a Carnival Cruise.</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">Three days into the voyage, somebody lit a match and the ship exploded.</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">We were all picked up eventually, but as a result of the shark feeding frenzy, I am now known as, “Stumpy.”</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">Perhaps a good book would take my mind off my plight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once released from intensive care—on the promise that I would donate blood until my debt was paid, which I reckon will be some twenty-five years after my death; I made my way to the library—where, after an hour of browsing, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Collected Works of William Shatner </i>fell from a top shelf and hit me on the head.</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">I tottered back home to wash the stink out of my hair, having neglected to take a book with me.</span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">Once clean and dry, I flipped on the television.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 32px; margin: 0in 45.35pt 0pt 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">A “Star Trek” marathon.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 32px; margin: 0in 45.35pt 0pt 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">Screaming and irrational, I threw a boxed set of “Battlestar Galactica” through the screen, tripped, dislocated my shoulder, and broke my nose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sparks from the ruined TV jumped to the blood and delivered a shock that turned my finger and toe nails black and stood my hair on end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once I got up and unplugged the thing, all my hair fell out.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 32px; margin: 0in 45.35pt 0pt 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">I’m a shadow of my former self.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I’m not only sleepless and depressed, but also mortally boat and ocean phobic, short, terrified of William Shatner, and bald, with a nose like Sylvester Stallone.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 32px; margin: 0in 45.35pt 0pt 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">There was only one thing left to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Get rid of whoever was responsible for all this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had little left to lose . . . literally . . . and a jail term could only improve the wreckage of my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I planned my revenge carefully.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 32px; margin: 0in 45.35pt 0pt 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">On the first moonless night, I made my way to my enemy and planted the necessary charges.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Moving back a safe distance, I picked up the detonator and pushed the plunger.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 32px; margin: 0in 45.35pt 0pt 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">“Die, Dista Pharmaceuticals!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Die! Moowhahahahahahaha!”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 32px; margin: 0in 45.35pt 0pt 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">I was, of course, apprehended. Can’t run too well, these days.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 32px; margin: 0in 45.35pt 0pt 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;">This afternoon, there is a parade in my honor, after which I will be released and driven to a brand new, donated, furnished home in the suburbs, provided with a car and chauffeur, and given a check for five million dollars. Carson 1, Dista Pharmaceuticals 0. Game over.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 32px; margin: 0in 45.35pt 0pt 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;"><span style="color: orange;">I expect to get a good night’s sleep tonight.</span><span style="color: #fd6101;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<div>
<span style="color: #fd6101; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333px;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-4092903584205809032016-02-01T09:13:00.002-07:002016-02-01T09:14:38.307-07:00PANTHERS, PRODUCE & AEROSMITH CONCERTS<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 18px; line-height: 27px;"> </span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">I’ve
decided that there is no good time to get groceries.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">No matter when you go; weekends, weekdays, early in the morning,
mid-afternoon, or evening, it really doesn’t seem to make much
difference. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>And I’ve tried
them all, so I know whereof I speak.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>My
latest foray was early in the evening on Sunday.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span> My husband, Stij, is an avid
(read that “foaming at the mouth”) Panthers fan, and a week or so ago, there
was an “important” game on, so he wanted to “just do a quick shop.”</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">It is to
laugh.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Walking into our local megamarket, we observed the cheery banner
of greeting above the door, which read, “Abandon all hope, ye who enter
here.” <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>We pried a shopping
cart out of the row that had been spot welded together, and set off.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Now
understand, Stij is the easiest-going person you’ll ever meet, this side of
Mahatma Gandhi, but he won’t trust me to drive his truck since I told him I
used to participate in Demolition Derbies. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>The fact that it took a great deal of
skill on my part to come out of one of those things with only a couple of
dented fenders left him unimpressed. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>All
he had to hear was “Demolition Derby,” and the driver’s seat suddenly became an
unattainable goal.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>All
this by way of saying that we do the grocery shopping together, since I am<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sans</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>automobile, at the moment.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>But,
as I said, he’s an easy guy to be around, so I don’t mind . . .</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>.
. . except during football season.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>We’d
barely stepped over the threshold of the store, and the first thing he did was
check his watch. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>He did
this twelve more times before we even got to the produce aisle, where I like to
start my shopping.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“What
do you want to eat this week?” I asked.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> “Food,” came his helpful reply.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“For
veggies, how about some green beans, carrots, and cauliflower?”</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“Fine,
fine, fine. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Just get it and
let’s get going,” he muttered, checking his watch again.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>By
the time we got half way through the store, the whole endeavor became less like
shopping and more like fleeing from aisle to aisle. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I was grabbing and tossing blindly,
while he shouted at one innocent bystander after another to “move your bovine
carcass out of the way!” </span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>OK,
so we made it to the bread aisle, which is the last one. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Watch-checking had escalated to every
other second. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I was
wheezing, soaked in sweat, and dangerously dehydrated. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I grabbed what I I hoped wasn’t some
frou-frou artisan bread made with twigs, seeds, and gravel and we rounded the
bend on two wheels at 90 mph, only to be stopped dead at . . . ta da . . . the
checkout lines. </span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>The
lines were seventeen deep. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>At
the end, people were getting married, babies were being born, and old people,
who were young when they got into line, were<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>dying. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>There was even a house being built at
the end of the queue at register three.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> “#$#@#%@#$#@#$!” Stij commented. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“Come on. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>We’re not waiting in these lines!”</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“Are
you proposing we embark on a life of crime?”</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“No! <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Just leave it!”</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“Patience
is a virtue.”</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“Yeah,
and silence is golden.” <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>This
was accompanied by a look that can open coconuts at twenty paces and close
mouths instantly. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“Come on.”</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Sighing,
I abandoned our loaded card and followed him out to the truck.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Did
I say, “followed?” <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>It was
more like “sprinted.” <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>By
the time I caught up, he was already driving out of the parking lot and was
irked to have to slow down to forty or so, so I could jump in.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Fortunately, we don’t live too far away from the grocery store;
and a good thing, too. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>The
G-force on that short ride rivaled anything NASA could come up with, and pinned
my cheeks back to my ears!</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Into
the house we dashed – he for the television, I for the phone, where the plastic
surgeon is on speed dial.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>After
a brief confab with Dr. Karloff, I hung up with an appointment and yet another
admonition to stay out of the truck on football nights.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I
expected to hear the TV blaring when I walked out of the bedroom, but there
wasn’t a sound. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Fearing for
the bric-a-brac, lest his sports lifeline had inexplicably given up the ghost,
I ventured cautiously into the living room.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>He
was sitting there.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>In
the dark.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>This
was not good.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>It
was 8:02. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“Wasn’t the game
supposed to start at 8:00?” I asked.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“Yes. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>8:00. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>Tomorrow</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>night.”</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I
shook my head. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Nothing is
worse for a North Carolina football fan than<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><em>Pantherus interruptus</em>.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“Do
you mean to tell me that I look like I just spent two hours in the front row of
an Aerosmith concert for nothing?”</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“Yeah,
but look at the bright side. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>We
can go back to the grocery store now, and . . .”</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“Ex<i>cuse</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>me?”</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“Never
mind. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Forget I said
anything.”</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>He
spent the entire evening sulking and staring into space, but it gave me a great
idea for Valentine’s Day.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I’m
going to skip the lingerie.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>This
year, I’m<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>really</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>going hard-core.</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><u1:p></u1:p><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I’m
going to buy myself an official Panthers football jersey!</span><span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-4602357434895002142016-01-23T10:15:00.002-07:002016-01-23T10:15:23.163-07:00WAL-MART, HAMMERTIME & THE CIVIL WAR<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;"><br /> For those of you who have always wondered about the answers to the odd
questions people sometimes ask, wonder no more. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Here are the answers:</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Do
fish drink water?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>No, fish drink Johnnie Walker Black</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Why do cats purr?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">To give you a sporting
chance to get your hand out of the way<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>before they clip it off at the wrist
and bury it in their litter box.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">What is Zulu time?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;"> </span></span><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">It’s like Hammertime, but in ¾</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">What is the lowest point
on Earth?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">WalMart</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">How many people died in
the Civil War?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Lots</span><span style="color: #66ff33; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">What does the information
on our money represent?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">How screwed we are</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Is pinto a breed of horse
or just a color?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; tab-stops: 135.75pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; tab-stops: 135.75pt;">
<span style="color: #66ff33; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;"> It is an exploding car</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; tab-stops: 135.75pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">What caused the Great
Depression of 1929?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">The lower hemlines of 1928</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Has a U.S. vice president
ever been assassinated?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">No. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Nobody gives enough of a crap to
bother.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Why did Custer choose<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Garry Owen</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>as his regimental song?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Because “Hit Me with Your
Best Shot” seemed somehow inappropriate</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">What was the last song
the musician on the Titanic played?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;"> </span></span><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Splish Splash, I was Takin’ a Bath</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">What is the religious
makeup of the United States</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;"> </span></span><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">L’Oreal</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">What is the star closest
to our sun?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;"> </span></span><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Leonardo DiCaprio</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">How did the sport of
hockey get started?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> </span><span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;"> </span></span><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Two kids beating the crap out of each other on a frozen pond</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">What is the book that the
Statue of Liberty is holding?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Zen and the Art of
Motorcycle Maintenance</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">What caused the fire that
destroyed San Francisco?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Swatch friction</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">What part of the world
gets the most rain?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Any part that has an
outdoor wedding scheduled</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Will hot water freeze
faster than cold water?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="color: lime; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Don’t be a moron</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-16507526334666310772015-12-29T09:15:00.000-07:002015-12-29T09:15:00.933-07:00POT ROASTS, FIRES & THE NEW YEAR<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;"><br />
This year, in the Buckingham
household, we have begun what I hope will become a tradition.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">No, it
isn’t considered a “tradition” to avoid burning down the house—that is more of
a rule inscribed on the third tablet that Moses dropped and broke by mistake. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Take from that what you will.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">At any
rate, last year, on January first, Stij and I each put an empty Mason jar on
our respective desks. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>It
was our job, when something terrific happened all during the year, to write it
down on a scrap of paper and put it in the jar. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>On New Year’s Eve, we will open up the
jars and read the contents aloud as a way of expressing our gratitude for the
good things life has brought us during the previous year.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">We
decided to open them a day or two early on this, the inaugural year. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Here’s how it went:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Okay,
who goes first?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“I will,”
Stij said, fishing out a piece of paper. He read, “Had the fire extinguishers
recharged.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“And
that’s a terrific thing from last year?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Remember
the pot roast?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Oh…right.
Okay, my turn.” I unfolded my paper. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“Made
pot roast.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Well, I
guess that’s a wash. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>‘Bought
a new ride-on mower.’”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“You sure
pick some odd things to put in your jar. ‘Drove ride-on mower through
neighbor’s prize-winning Petunia bed.’” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Talk
about me! <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>How is<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>a great thing?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“It got
you that new ride-on mower you wanted, didn’t it?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">Stij
shook his head as if trying to clear water from his ears. “Remodeled living
room.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">I opened
my slip of paper. “Saved the bric-a-brac by setting fire to a giant homemade
loaf of bread that attacked the living room.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Remodeled
the kitchen.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Remind
me of why you had to do that."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Exploding
lasagne.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Oh…right. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>But the salad was good, as I
remember.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“You have
the memory of a dead elephant. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>The
‘salad,’ as you so laughingly call it had a homemade dressing on it that ate
through an anodized aluminum bowl AND the counter top—and it takes a lot to eat
through granite in three-and-a-half seconds. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Have you ever considered a career in
munitions?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Tee hee. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Here’s mine, ‘Created a lasagne that
looked exactly like the photograph in the cookbook—<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">before</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>exploding.’”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Five
seconds of pride followed by three seconds of mayhem and two-and-a-half months
of work.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Okay,
smart guy, let’s hear another one of<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">yours</i>, then.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Okay.
‘Installed steel counter top on kitchen island.’”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Didn’t
that come under the kitchen remodel?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“No that
was later on when your chocolate chip cookies melted the previous one.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Oh…right. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Here’s one of mine: ‘Feeding the
birds.’”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Here’s
mine: ‘Shoveling up and disposing of 300 bird carcasses after you ‘kindly’ fed
them the bird seed balls you made and hung from the trees.’”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; tab-stops: 173.25pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Oh, come on.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“’Come
on,’ nothing! <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>To this day,
Ziplock has no idea that they actually make body bags. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I still don’t know how you could screw
up birdseed balls.</span><span style="color: white;">.</span><span style="color: orange;">”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Well,
the recipe called for suet, which I didn’t have and had no idea where to get,
so I got creative and used Gorilla Glue instead.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Got
creative? <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Got homicidal,
you mean. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>If I hadn’t
gotten rid of those bodies pronto, PETA would have burned you in effigy. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>It’s as close as I ever want to get to
feeling like a mob clean-up man.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">This was
not turning out to be the uplifting exercise I had originally envisioned.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Okay,
okay! <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I see that you have
one left—let’s hear it.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">He
unfolded the last slip.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span> “‘I
love being married to my wife because there is never a dull moment.’”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Funny,
my last slip says the same thing about you,” I said.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">Just goes
to show you that the couple that cooks and rebuilds together stays together.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-37831445702426469912015-12-19T09:28:00.005-07:002015-12-19T09:28:50.602-07:00CHRISTMAS, TOY SHOPPING & BAR-HOPPING BARBIES <div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span><span style="color: orange; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span><span style="color: orange; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;">I must confess that I’m in complete awe of
toy stores. I mean, have you been inside of one of those places
recently? </span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt 0.5in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">Well, yes, of course you have. T’is the season, after all.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">In </span></span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">the
first place, they aren’t just “stores” or “shops” or even “shoppes”
anymore. Gone is dear Giapetto, the maker of toys by hand. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Gone is also the<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">appreciation</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>of toys made by hand. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>What we have now are behemoth toy
warehouses, taking up enough arable land to feed the entire country of
China…twice, and pushing enough plastic to give every female in Los Angeles the
boob size of her choice.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Inside,
you will feel as insignificant as Stuart Little in the Grand Canyon.
There are hundreds of aisles, with shelves running from floor to ceiling…and
the ceilings are 40 feet high. </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">These
stores have their own weather systems.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I
happened to stop into one of these places a few days ago … EVERY TOY IN THE
KNOWN UNIVERSE, I think it was called. At any rate, I had finished all my
Christmas shopping, with the exception of Amanda, my niece, and she had
mentioned a Barbie doll, so ETITKU seemed like the place to go.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I
stopped the first employee I could find with the fewest body piercings and
nihilist tattoos, and asked to be directed to the Barbie dolls.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“Aisles
three, four, and five,” he muttered disgustedly. Apparently I had roused
him from his coma and he didn’t appreciate it.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“Three
aisles for Barbie dolls?” I mused. I took that to mean that they had
their entire stock on the shelves, so I wasn’t worried about finding exactly
what I wanted. I set out, ebulliently, with a spring in my step, for
aisles three, four, and five.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: .5in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">After
walking for one hour, stopping once to use the restroom (conveniently located
every half-mile), and once to buy water, I arrived at my destination and began
browsing.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I want
to tell you that I had no idea that there were so many different kinds of
Barbie dolls. It was inconceivable to me that there could be thousands of
variations on a single theme (well, no, I take that back—Bach did just fine
with it).</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">The
first thing I did was to pull out my cell phone and call my husband to tell him
not to expect me for dinner…this week. Then I continued my quest.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Initially,
there were the types of Barbies you’d expect to find: Beach Barbie,
Cheerleader Barbie, Tennis Barbie, Golf Barbie, Rock Concert Barbie…well, you
get the idea.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Then
there were the “Career” Barbies. These included Doctor Barbie, Dentist
Barbie, Psychoanalyst Barbie, Lawyer Barbie (I didn’t like that one at all!),
Detective Barbie, Wall Street Barbie, and Super-Bitch Corporate Executive Vice
President Barbie. That last one came with a “corporate spy” briefcase
(which included a tiny videocam), a cigar that shoots poison-tipped darts, an
empty gin bottle, and a full ashtray.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Next
there were the “Politically Correct” Barbies. There were African-American
Barbies, Asian-American Barbies, Native American Barbies, Semitic-American
Barbies, and an Australian-American Barbie with a dwarf husband called “Shrimp
on the Barbie.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Head
reeling, I stumbled next upon the “Outmoded Values” Barbies. These were
all covered with the dust of the ages, and a small sign read that if I found
any dinosaur bones while browsing here, I could keep them. Amongst these
Barbies, I found: Homemaker Barbie, PTA Barbie, Stay-at-Home Mother
Barbie, Carpool Barbie, Seamstress Barbie, Dinner Party Barbie, and Reading to
the Kids Barbie. There was only one of each, obviously untouched for many
years.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">After
that, it really got strange.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I moved
into aisle five. It was completely stocked with “New Millennium” Barbies,
reflecting the current ideology that young children should be exposed to
absolutely everything. There was Dominatrix Barbie (only one left—more on
the way!), Drunk Biker Chick Barbie (complete with tattoos, a Harley, and a
boyfriend called Slash who was just released from prison), Death During
Childbirth Barbie (I don’t even want to<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">think</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>about what that one comes with),
Arsonist Barbie (with a whole box of lovely matches that really light!
Wow!), Serial Killer Barbie (with knives, rope, and a bottle of real
poison. An accessory, sold separately, is a policeman looking confused),
Vampire Barbie (with a pink Bloodmobile), Bar-Hopping Barbie (with Rohypnol
antidote), Hooker Barbie (with condoms, penicillin, and Pimp Ken), Drug Dealer
Barbie (with marijuana seeds and potting soil), and finally, Transsexual Barbie
(anatomically incorrect, with a copy of<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><u>The</u><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><u>Rene Richards Story</u>). </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">There
was even a Klaus Barbie…</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">That did
it.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I raced
back to aisle four, grabbed the Homemaker Barbie and her complete wardrobe of
Donna Reed originals, pearl necklace, rubber gloves and Easy-Off, and bursting
though the cloud of dust, threw a handful of money at the cashier and ran out
the door!</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Amanda
had better like this Barbie doll.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">There is
no way in hell I’m ever going back<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">there</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>to return it.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
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<br /></div>
Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-12459813529358397782015-12-08T09:21:00.002-07:002015-12-08T09:21:34.195-07:00WAL-MART, CHRISTMAS LIGHTS & DECOMPOSING FISH<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I just love this time of year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pretty lights, great food, friends, family (well, scratch family—except for Stij.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to enjoy my Christmas, not suddenly be under indictment).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Anyhow, this year, I decided to surprise Stij with outdoor Christmas lights.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I waited until he’d left for work, then jumped into my car and headed for the store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I may have even hummed Christmas carols on the trip.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was happy and all was right with the world.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">This did not last.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I pulled in at everyone’s favorite big-box store (I know, I know…bad start) and hustled inside.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I hadn’t been in one for a while.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those Supercenters are huge!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stopped at the customer service desk and picked up a map, some food and water, and a tent, and off I went.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I declined the wilderness guide they offered because he looked way too much like Mel Brooks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I walked on for a mile or so, and didn’t see any decorations, so I consulted my map to try to find out where, in relation to the Christmas section, I currently found myself. I was right in front of the Pet Department, so I looked for it on the map to get my bearings.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">There was no Pet Department on the map.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">However, I thought I saw twinkling lights about a half-mile ahead, so I gamely continued my trek.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On my way, I passed shoppers who had already claimed a spot and set up their tents for the night, having dropped, exhausted, where they stood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were pale, malnourished-looking and obviously quite weak.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I stopped at one encampment in ladies lingerie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Excuse me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you know where the Christmas Department is?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need some outdoor lights.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">He laughed hollowly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“That’s what we came here for…three days ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ve been living on diet Coke and Snickers bars ever since, looking for a way out of this place.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“Just how big is this store, anyhow?” I asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“Look at the scale of miles on the map.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I did, and discovered that one inch equaled ten miles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The map, when unfolded completely, measured 24 x 12 inches.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“Would you like to stop here and rest a while?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“I think I’ll just keep going, but thank you, anyway,” I said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“I hope your malaria shots are up to date.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They had trouble with the electric in the pet department and the fish tank filters stopped working.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the fish are decomposing and it’s swarming with mosquitoes in all that standing water.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“I thought I smelled something odd when I walked by there.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“It’s no joke—three people are already dead.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“Jesus!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What did they do with the bodies?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“I think they have a crematorium on the premises.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Swell.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I tried to call Stij to let him know where I was and that I may be late home to dinner, but I couldn’t get a signal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I walked faster.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I walked past the Men’s Department, the Boys’ Department, the Infants’ Department, the Neonatal Department, and the Conception Department.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Then things really got strange.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Did you know that Supercenters also have adoption agencies?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Presumably to place the poor children who were with parents who keeled over and croaked in the store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To this end, there is also a Funeral Department.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Evidently, you can be buried in the Garden Center at Rollback prices. I also passed a chicken farm, a toilet paper factory, a recycling station, a re-training facility for the criminally insane, and an operating theatre.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I was no closer to the twinkling lights, however.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I had to move faster.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Walking on a bit farther, I saw the answer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bicycles!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I grabbed one, hopped on before anyone could say anything and sped off down the main aisle.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">About ten-thirty that evening, I finally made it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wept joyful tears on the sales clerk’s shoulder, bought a cartful of lights and decorations, and paid for them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh, Jesus, it’s going to take me ten more hours to get back to my car,” I muttered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh, no it won’t, ma’am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can exit right out this door and into the parking lot.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“You mean I could have come <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">in</i> this door, too?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“Sure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s right on the map—see?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">I left shortly after that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Ten minutes later, I arrived home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“I was just about to call the cops!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why didn’t you call me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been worried sick!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“I couldn’t get a signal.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“Where were you, anyway?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“I went to the Supercenter to surprise you with outdoor Christmas lights.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where are they?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“I found it necessary, at the last minute, to strangle a sales clerk with most of them, and hang her up over a crematory door in a light display that was both colorful and grotesque simultaneously.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“Do I want to know about this?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“No.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well, did you bring home any lights at all after all that?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“Yep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’re all plugged in outside—take a look.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">He came back ten seconds later.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I would hardly call a wadded up ball of blinking colored lights lobbed into the middle of the driveway terribly festive.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well, there’s a Santa Claus and a reindeer in there somewhere, too, I think.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">“They don’t help. Right now, I’m going to pour you a large bourbon, then I’m going back outside to dispose of those lights before they short circuit and burn down the truck.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Joy to the world.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-76094633018979964132015-12-01T03:44:00.002-07:002015-12-01T03:44:20.111-07:00MY BLACK FRIDAY ADVENTURE<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">Did you
ever go on a Black Friday camp-out?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">I did.</span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">Stij
decided that our four-foot flat screen TV just wasn’t quite big enough. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>He absolutely had to have one of the
brand new eight-foot TVs, I suppose because he’s planning a trip to the moon in
the near future, and wants to be able to see re-runs of The Honeymooners from
the Sea of Tranquility without dragging the set along.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">Okay. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>It’s the only thing he’s asked for
this year—well, no, that’s not quite true. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>He also asked that I not cook
Christmas dinner, but that kind of goes without saying.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">One of
the big box stores was having a Black Friday special on these contraptions at
an 80% discount. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>And, of
course, there were only four available at that price.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">I
resolved to be first in line, so Wednesday morning, I packed up my tent,
sleeping bag, lantern, sandwiches, and a couple of books, and headed over to
the store.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">Evidently,
I wasn’t the only forward-thinking person in town.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">As a
matter of fact, it looked like the whole town was already there.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">There
were tents everywhere. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I
had no hope of being the first one in the door. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I’d be lucky if I were the 200<sup>th</sup><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>person in the door.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">But I couldn’t
let Stij down!</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">I set up
my tent on the horizon line, and brooded. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>There wasn’t much point in doing this
for the next two days if I couldn’t get what I came for. </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">So what
to do?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">My
writer’s brain kicked into overdrive.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">What
could get me to the front of the line?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">I stared
glumly at the store I was camped out in front of, and it came to me! <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I dashed inside, purchased what I
needed, then packed up my tent, dashed to my car and went home.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">“That was
quick,” Stij said. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“I
thought you were having a Black Friday camping adventure.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">“Nope. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I’m going to drive over about an hour
before they open the doors on Friday morning.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">He
sighed.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">“Oh, ye
of little faith,” I said. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“You’ll
see. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I’ve got a plan.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">“Does it
involve cooking?”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">“Nope.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">“Well,
thank God for that, anyway.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">I arose
Friday at 4:00AM, spent about two hours in the bathroom, the quietly left the
house. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>At the store, I
parked my car, and made my way forward.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">People
toward the front of the line were a little stroppy about my attempt to get past
them, and they turned to tell me so.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">The words
died on their lips.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">“I’m so
sorry,” I said. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“But I’m
terribly ill.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">Horror
suffused their features. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“What’s
wrong with you?”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">“It’s a
rare form of leprosy…contagious, I think, if I sneeze…ah…ah…ah…ahchhhhh......”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">I cleared
out those campers faster than Clint Eastwood singing opera.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">The store
I’d stopped into was a party shop, you see. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I'd bought some theatrical make-up and
liquid latex, and the rest is history.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">The
problem was that, before I could wipe it off, store security called an
ambulance, and I was hustled off to the Emergency Room before I could make my
purchase.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;">So, poor
Stij isn’t getting his eight-foot flat-screen this year; however, he will still
be able to watch me on our old TV.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">I got
offered a part in<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Walking Dead—The
Movie</i>.</span></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-52642102844097733562015-11-22T06:22:00.000-07:002015-11-22T06:22:26.051-07:00THANKSGIVING, THONGS & PROZAC<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Well, it’s just about that time again. That yearly get-together with the fam.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Yeah. Thanksgiving.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Hoo boy.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Here’s how, with a few variations each year, it usually goes:</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Once at the house and divested of mukluks and a down-filled coat that made me look like the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man, I hand my mother the pumpkin pie she’d asked me to make. This one is made of freshly-processed pumpkin, not that tinned crap. This results in a lighter color and the flavor is remarkable.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"></span><span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">So my mother feels compelled to remark.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Looks sort of anemic, doesn’t it?”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Top it with a unit of O Negative, then. Where is everybody?” The driveway was a sea of cars.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“You’re the first.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Opening a used car lot?”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Overflow from the neighbors’ big do.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“So . . . what? The family’s going to park on the street, like I did?” The house is on a hill with a 50-foot driveway.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Looks that way. We just wanted to help out. You might try loving your fellow man a little more, Carson. Your snarky attitude is unbecoming.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">All this from a woman whose dirty look can open clams at twenty paces.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">But okay, I’ll go along. She’s getting older. She’s forgotten that where she spits, grass never grows.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“What can I do to help?” I’m hoping quite a lot. My mother is not the best of cooks.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Nothing really. It’s all done. We can go sit and talk until everyone else gets here.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"></span><span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Well, before we do that, how about if I go and scatter some salt and sand on the driveway—it’s pretty slick out there.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“In a minute. I have something I want to discuss with you.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Oh, God.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">When we are seated, Mom drops the big one. “I think your father is having an affair.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Holding in explosive laughter, which, having nowhere to go, travels downward, instantly inflating my ankles, I said, “Mom, Dad is 83 years old.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Yes, that’s right.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“He’s legally blind.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Right.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“He only has one leg.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Yes.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“And a colostomy bag.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“What’s your point?”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“I can’t believe you just asked me that.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">So, after Mom dries her eyes, I posed the big question.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“How do you know, anyway?”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“He’s started wearing thong underwear.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Most people, mainly women, wear thongs to avoid underwear lines in their pants. I’d really like to know who my father thinks is looking at his ass. “That’s it? Thong underwear?”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“And he’s using that Axe cologne.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Ah, I take it he’s losing his sense of smell, as well, then?”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“This is not the time for jokes, Carson. Oh, and he’s letting his hair grow longer.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">My father has had a crew cut for as long as I’ve known him. “Perhaps he’s finally decided to leave the 1950s behind?”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“I don’t think so.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Okay, so who with? Any idea?”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Oh, I know <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">exactly</i> who with.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Evidently, according to my mother, Pop has become enamored of the local Postmistress . . . who is 92, uses a walker, and is nearly deaf. Getting the mail is never a peaceful pursuit if there is anyone requiring front desk service. At Christmastime it's bedlam in there.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“So what are you going to do about it? Have you talked to him?”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“No.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“Why not? Talking to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">me</i> isn’t going to get it resolved.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“I don’t want to discuss it.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“You don’t have to. I’m going to go talk to him.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“No. It has nothing to do with you. Leave it alone. Let’s just have a pleasant Thanksgiving, all right?”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Yes, kindly readers, this is Thanksgiving in my house.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">The aged relatives begin arriving, with only minor sprains and bruising from slipping on the ice in the driveway on the way up from the street.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Once everyone is comfortable, Mom hustles us into the dining room to eat “before everything dries out.”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Food is passed, plates are loaded, wine glasses filled and it begins.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"></span><span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">My Uncle Dan starts things off. “So, how’s life with the Buckinghams?”</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">My mother bursts into tears and dashes from the room.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“About the same, I see,” he mutters.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">By the time my mother composes herself enough to return, Aunt Shirley is already on her fifth glass of wine and her seventh filthy joke. This doesn’t play well to Aunt Mary, who is a nun. My brother has decided to use his considerable talents as a career waiter in a diner to instruct the group on French serving and is launching food all over the room. Dad is still looking for his fork. My cousin Lois hasn’t taken her face out of her pocket mirror since she arrived, and has answered at least six calls on her Bluetooth, since she knew we’d all want to hear her side of each conversation. Aunt Anne has removed her wig and is beating my cousin Donald with it—I have no idea why.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">The only reason that there is no gunplay this year is that, when Mom wasn’t looking, I sneaked Prozac into the stuffing . . . a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">lot</i> of Prozac. By the time the football game started, the family members who weren’t unconscious were actually getting along, and even I was a little less snarky.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Happy Thanksgiving, one and all!</span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 24pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<div>
<span style="color: orange; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-20017451318308121902015-11-09T09:24:00.005-07:002015-11-09T21:21:05.318-07:00GPS, ARIZONA POLICE & HOME DEPOT (PART 2)<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: 0.5in;">After
my last drive down the Arizona street that landed me in Colorado, Stij decided
that the time had come to install a GPS in the car.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“And
what does GPS stand for? Go Park
Somewhere?” I asked.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“In
your case, most likely.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“I
think I’ll be cooking dinner tonight…”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“I
take it back! I’m sorry!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“That’s
better. Now how do you work this thing?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“You
just turn it on and tell it your destination address. After you do that, it will tell you, turn by
turn how to get there.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Wow,
that’s great.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“I
hope it helps. I’ve got to get going if
I’m going to make that meeting before 9:30, so I’ll see you later.” He jumped into the truck and left.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">I
was all alone with this new gadget, so I thought I’d try it out.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">Three
hours later, Stij walked in the door. “Do
you hear shrieking outside? I hear shrieking.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Oh,
that's just the GPS. It’s giving me turn
by turn directions to Moscow. About now,
I think it may be drowning in the Pacific Ocean.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">Stij
sighed. “I’m going to go turn it off.” He opened the door and stepped outside, just
as a police cruiser pulled up.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">The
police exited the vehicle with guns drawn.
“Stop right there! Who’s doing
all that screaming?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“It’s
the car—my wife tricked it into the Pacific Ocean.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">They
lowered their guns. “Hey, your wife
wouldn’t be Carson Buckingham, would she?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“The
same.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">While
Stij turned the gurgling GPS off, one of the officers clicked on his shoulder
radio. “We’re at the location. Everything’s under control. It’s Carson again.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Holy
Mother of God, what’s that crazy bitch done now? She’s not cooking again, is she?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“You
wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” He
clicked it off again.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">The
other officer was about to re-holster his weapon, but instead held it out to
Stij. “Sure you don’t want this?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Not
today, thanks.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">They
left shortly afterward.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">When
Stij came back inside, he said, “Your reputation is really starting to spin out
of control around here.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Are
you saying that it’s time to move again?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“No. And by the way, you’re supposed to use the
GPS while you’re driving so it can tell you where to turn. You <i>don’t</i>
use it in the driveway.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“But
you didn’t say that.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“That’s
because I forget who I’m talking to, sometimes.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Okay,
then I’ll take it out for a spin. Do you
need me to pick up anything for you?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Let’s
try Home Depot again,” he said, and gave me a list.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">When
I was sitting in the car, he leaned in the window and showed me another
interesting feature of the GPS.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“You
can have either a man’s voice or a woman’s voice giving you directions. You just press that button once for a man’s
voice and twice for a woman’s.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Okay,
I’m off. See you later.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">After
I backed out of the driveway, I pushed the button twice, and getting no
response, I pushed it again a few times.
Finally, results.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">Unfortunately,
I now had both male and female voices giving me directions, and it went something
like this:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">Male: “Take
your next left.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">Female: “Oh, don’t do that!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">Male:
“It’s a short cut.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">Female:
“I’ve been on your ‘shortcuts.’ Wanna see Albuquerque, sweetie—just follow <i>his</i> directions!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">Male: “Okay, now you missed the left you were
supposed to take.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">Female: “She needs to turn around, then.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">Male: “She doesn’t need to turn around. I’ll plot a different route.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">Female: “Have you ever noticed how men never, <i>ever</i> turn around? Well, honey, if you go down about a mile and
turn right, there’s this cute little dress shop…”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">Male: “We’re going to Home Depot, goddammit!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">Well,
you get the idea. This went on for quite
some time. I finally had to call Stij.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Hello?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Hi. It’s me.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Are
you planning on coming home tonight?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Eventually. I got lost again.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“What? How is that possible?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Weeeeell,
there was a problem with the GPS.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“What
happened?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“It
exploded.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Where
are you?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Colorado.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-65415314645803546762015-10-27T01:00:00.000-07:002015-10-27T01:00:20.720-07:00DRIVING, COPS & HOME DEPOT<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: 0.5in;">Stij
has been really tied up with his woodworking business these days.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: 0.5in;">He was on a tight deadline for some deeply
disturbed client who wanted a wooden refrigerator (?) and he needed some
supplies from Home Depot.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">So
he sent me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">I
know, I know.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">Now,
understand, I know about as much about woodworking as I do about cooking…well,
maybe slightly less.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">You
get the idea, anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">So,
with list in hand, I tootled off to Home Depot, which is about a mile away from
our house.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">About
a quarter mile down the highway, there was a roadblock and a detour. This really threw me, since I don’t drive
much since the neighbors had to rebuild their living room the last time I did,
so I don’t know my way around very well.
But Stij decided to roll the dice once again, since the roads were all
straight, away from a residential area, and he would be home to make sure the
car was actually <i>in</i> reverse before I
floored it to back into the driveway.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">Okay. Back to the detour. Being the mature, law-abiding woman that I
am, I pulled up next to the officer directing traffic and greeted him.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“PLEEEEEEEAAAAASSSSSE,
OFFICER! I DON’T KNOW MY WAY AROUND
HERE. I KNOW ONE WAY TO GET TO HOME
DEPOT, AND THAT’S IT! CAN’T I PLEEEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSSEEEE
GO THROUGH?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Ma’am,
there’s a flash flood up ahead—the road’s washed out. You can’t get a car through there.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Then
let me park here, and I’ll get out and swim for it.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Move
along, ma’am.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">Arizona
state troopers do not think outside the box.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">So
off I went. I thought of faking a
nervous breakdown, but he didn’t look like he’d buy it. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">In
completely unfamiliar territory now, I reached for my phone to call Stij and…guess
what…I left it home.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">At
that point an actual, unfaked nervous breakdown wasn’t far away. And relying on my sense of direction was no
good. I have been known to get lost
walking to the bathroom.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">So
after my screaming died down and I stopped hyperventilating, I fell back on the
way most women remedy a situation such as this—I found a gas station. And GAS, as most women know, is an acronym
meaning: Go Ask Someone. Men have never
understood this.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">So
I pull into a station, took several deep breaths to help calm the trembling,
and legged it to the cashier inside.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Hello,
I need directions to the Home Depot—but not on the 101—it’s closed.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Que?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">Fabulous.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">My
Spanish was pretty sucky, but I gave it a try, anyhow. “Por favor— Yo requisitiono mappe dos vocala
chordios en la Casa Trainstationo.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">He
looked horrified.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">I
tried again. He was just a cashier—maybe
he could get one of the guys in the body shop to help.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Por
favor (I am nothing if not polite)—Perhaps el drunko mechanico…<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">That
did it—he grabbed two Slim Jim sausage snacks and used them to make a cross,
then backed slowly away from me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">Realizing
that further attempts at light banter would be futile, I took my leave, got
back in my car, and resumed my journey.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">Ten
hours later, I decided to stop for the night.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">The
next morning, feeling refreshed, I got in the car, started it up, drove ten
feet, and the car died. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">I
hadn’t called Stij the previous night, because I was just too tired.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">But
now seemed like a good time.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Hi,
hon.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Are
you okay? I’ve been worried sick! Why didn’t you call?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“I
left my phone turned off at home.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Gas
stations have phones.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Let’s
not go there. The car died.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Okay,
I’ll be there in five minutes.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“No,
you won’t. There was a detour on 101.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Okay. What happened, did you end up driving all around
the west side?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Yes.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“So
I’ll see you in forty-five minutes, then.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“No.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“I
thought you were on the west side.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Yes. Of Colorado.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; tab-stops: 284.25pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“<i>WHHHAAAAAAAATTTT</i>?” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; tab-stops: 284.25pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: orange;">“And
guess what? There’s a Home Depot right across the street!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-3569422184145036402015-10-13T07:29:00.002-07:002015-10-13T07:30:43.199-07:00THE ICU AND STAND-UP COMEDY<div style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent6;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<div style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Have you ever
gone to the doctor just because you didn't feel quite right, but weren't sure
exactly what was wrong with you?</span><span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent6;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-themecolor: accent6;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Prepare
yourself. A problem that would have been cured in your grandmother's day
by a strong dose of tonic will now cost you in the neighborhood of three
months' salary, the antique clock in your dining room, and all the fillings in
your teeth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent6;">There is no such thing as a GP anymore. The
General Practitioner has been reduced to bones in the La Brea tar pits, along
with the rest of the dinosaurs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent6;">"I'm feeling weak and tired," I told a
Doctor of Internal Medicine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent6;">He put his hand on my wallet and told me to cough
(Henny Youngman wasn't kidding!), after which he recommended that I see a heart
specialist.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent6;">"That's it?" I cried. "No blood
work? No EKG? No stress test? Just 'go to a heat
specialist'?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent6;">"Yes," he replied, while counting out my life
savings.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent6;">So I went to a "heart man,' as he's known in the
biz.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent6;">He presented me with a bill before he even examined me,
then said, "You have six months to live."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent6;">I looked at the bill. I'd never seen so many
zeroes in one place before in my life. "I can't pay this!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent6;">"OK, then I'll give you another six months."
(Did Henny Youngman go to medical school?)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent6;">"Oh, and I'm sending you to a respiratory
specialist," he said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent6;">When I showed up there, the respiratory specialist sent
his secretary out to give me my bill in the parking lot! On it was
scrawled the name of a neurologist and the time of my appointment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent6;">The neurologist's office called me and gave me my
bill total over the phone. </span><span style="color: #f79646; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">I was then told to report
to the ICU.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent6;">At the hospital, still not knowing what was wrong with
me, I was placed inside an oxygen tent and put on suicide watch. When the
doctor finally came in, he looked just like Henny Youngman.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-themecolor: accent6;">I took one look at him and said, "Take my
life...please."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
</div>
Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-48056917392650603222015-10-06T07:38:00.002-07:002015-10-06T07:38:50.750-07:00FARTS, PUBLISHERS, & THE LOLLIPOP GUILD<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Don’t you just love riding elevators?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">I was on my way to see my publisher, who is located
in a high-rise office building that people get nosebleeds just looking up at
from the street. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>But that’s
Manhattan for you—city of excess and bloody sidewalks.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">At any rate, I toodled inside, hired a pack mule,
purchased supplies and made my way across a solid pink marble lobby the size of
Ohio. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Upon arriving at the
banks of elevators, I told my Sherpa guide, Niblick, to keep the meter running
on the mule, and stepped aboard the nearest vertical conveyance.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">The car was already crammed full of passengers, one
of whom was carrying in his lunch and, if the odor of same was any indication,
he was planning on a feast of three-week old fish that had been marinated in finely
aged sewage.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">“Floor 267, please,” I said to the elevator boy.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">“267? <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Oh,
you’ll need oxygen for that floor,” he said, handing me a mask. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I dutifully slipped it on.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Off we shot to the first stop—floor 100. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>This trip took 1.5 seconds. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>During the course of the ride, my head
had burst through my hat, which was now hanging around my neck like a Beefeater
ruff. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I was also three
inches in the red on my previous height and would require cosmetic surgery and
a screw jack to remove my breasts from my knees.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">After all that, only one person got off. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>He’d been short when he’d gotten on,
but now he looked like a member of the Lollipop Guild.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">“How do I get to Suite 1014?” he asked the elevator
boy.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">“Just follow the Yellow Brick Road,” he chortled,
closing the door in his face.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Next stop, floor 200. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>The elevator boy executed a quick
countdown, then launched us skyward yet again.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">This time, my feet went right through the bottoms of
my shoes, my necklace broke, and my earrings were pulled down so low that my
earlobes would have been right at home among the Ubangis.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">One woman was sick to her stomach in the corner of
the car, and a rather large gentleman was experiencing technical difficulties
involving methane gas. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Add
that to the guy packing the landfill lunch and you have an aroma that would
even make Jeffrey Dahmer think twice. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>As
the minutes passed, I became more and more convinced that Hell had just added a
tenth ring, and that elevator was it.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Everyone, but the galloping gourmet and I, got off
at floor 200, whether they needed to or not. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>But I am made of stronger stuff . . .
plus, the idea of walking up 67 flights didn’t much appeal to me. </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">The doors slammed shut again, and I prepared for
takeoff.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">The elevator hurtled upward, but came to a
bone-rattling stop between floors 266 and 267.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">So there I was, trapped in an elevator with a race
driver wannabe, a nerdy guy holding a leaky lunch bag filled with toxic waste,
surrounded by the miasma of the revenge of the fat guy’s chili dinner and the
pile of vomit in the corner.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">This was not the way I envisioned making my
transition from this world to the next, somehow.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">“Don’t worry, we have a special phone to call for
help,” Mario Andretti assured us. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>He
picked up the receiver and confidently pushed the red button.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Nothing happened.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">He pushed it again.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Still nothing.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">He panicked and began speaking in tongues.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">I slapped him, probably harder than I needed to
(though I must admit, it felt awfully good), to snap him out of it. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I’m amazed I could see well enough to
actually hit his face, because by that time, the stench was melting my eyeballs.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">“OK, how do we get out of here?” I demanded.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">He meekly indicated the trap door in the roof of the
car.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">“Fine. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Give
me a boost.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">“Lady, you can’t . . <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">“<i>You</i> want
to go?”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">“A boost! <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Right! <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Sure, no problem!”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">You may wonder at the alacrity of my voluntarism. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Had you been there, you wouldn’t have. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I was more than willing to take the
chance of falling to a quick death over dying slowly and horribly in that
elevator.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">A boost, and I was on the roof. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“Now what?” I asked, gulping in the
fresh air.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">“Climb up to the floor above us and open the door. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Then get help.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">One thing I’ve learned about directions such as
these is that anything that sounds this simple usually isn’t.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">To get to the door above, I had to shinny up the
greasy cable and lean out to step across the ledge. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>It took patience, dexterity, and the
firm resolve that I was not, under any circumstances, going back into that
elevator.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Once on the ledge, I managed to pry the door open
and fall in a heap on the white carpeting of my publisher’s office. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Being covered with grease did not
enhance my prestige with the firm, I can promise you.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">I stood, with the help of a couple of receptionists
holding me at arm’s length. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>My
clothing was torn and hanging in stalactite-like shreds from my body. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I was so filthy, I could have done a
guest shot on “The Wide, Wide World of Dumpster Diving.” <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>The only pieces left of my shoes were
the toes. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>My hair looked as
if it had been styled by Ray Charles, my hands were ripped and bleeding, and
every single fingernail was not just broken, but<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>gone</i>!</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">“There are more people stuck in the elevator. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>They need help and I need an ambulance
and a bath in Drano,” I croaked. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Then
I passed out.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">I awoke in the hospital. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>My publisher had sent a huge bouquet
of flowers. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Smiling, I
opened the card as fast as ten heavily bandaged fingers would permit, and read:</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Roses are Red.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Violets are Blue.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">You messed up our carpet,</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">So we’re suing you!</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">I’m out of the hospital now, and I work out on a
Stairmaster for an hour every day.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">You’ll never catch<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i>me<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></i>on another elevator!</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 45.0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-mirror-indents: yes; mso-outline-level: 2; text-indent: .5in;">
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Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-87092459536378487832015-09-07T09:50:00.002-07:002015-09-07T09:50:27.852-07:00PLEA BARGAINS, SARCASM & ORANGE JUICE<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"> <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Does anybody, besides me, get exasperated with husbands who can’t
find a goddamned thing? <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>If
I hear, “Honey, where’s the juice?” one more time, I just know I’ll wind up
sitting at a table with my defense attorney and trying to plea bargain down to
a life sentence. </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">With
subtle variations, my day starts off like this: <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I’m sitting at the kitchen table,
toothpicks holding my eyes open, slurping down my first cup of coffee and
missing my mouth (if you can believe it), most of time, while watching the
birds packing it in at our feeder just outside the window. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>The Zen-like tranquility of this
quiet, sunny morning is about to be broken.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“Honey,
where are my boxer shorts?”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“In the
drawer, where I’ve been putting them for the last ten years.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“<i>Which</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>drawer, though?”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">At this
point, I heave a sigh audible on the 50-yard line of the nearest football
stadium, stomp down the hall, open the drawer and hand him his shorts.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“What
would I ever do without you?” he purrs.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“You’d
be pretty chilly,” I reply.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I go
back to my coffee. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I have
just resumed my chair, when . . .</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“Honey? <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Where are my loafers?”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“In the
closet.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“<i>Where</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>in the closet?”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“On the
floor!”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“I don’t
see them.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I pray
for restraint and stomp down the hall, yet again, open the closet, bend down,
pick up his shoes, and hand them to him.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“What
would I ever do without you?” he asks again.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Without
me?! <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I’m starting to
question the fact that he even lives here!</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Then he
comes out to breakfast, open the fridge and . . .</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“Honey?”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“Yessssssssss?”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“Where’s
the orange juice?”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“It’s
behind the milk.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“No,
it’s not.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Grinding
my teeth to nubs, I stomp over to the refrigerator, move the milk aside with a
dramatic sweep, and indicate the orange juice, much the way a German
Shorthaired Pointer would indicate a duck.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">The
sarcasm is lost on him.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Now he
has the orange juice container in his hand and looks me right in the face and
asks, “Honey? <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Where are the
glasses?”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I hand
him his spectacles.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">The
sarcasm is lost on him.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“No, I
mean to put the juice in,” he whines.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">That
finally does it. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Still in
my bathrobe and fuzzy slippers, I put on my coat, get in the car, and drive
away.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">If you
happen to be passing by, you might want to drop off a gallon of orange juice
for my husband so he doesn’t get dehydrated.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Just
don’t put it behind the milk!</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-709579531250390992015-08-26T09:24:00.001-07:002015-08-26T09:24:11.300-07:00DYSENTERY, PARIS & LOOSE TRANSLATIONS<div style="line-height: 24.0pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;"><br />
I am so excited! <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I recently
returned from Europe after a two-month stay, only to discover that someone I
had met in Paris had dropped me a line.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">I am also quite proud of my ability to translate it. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I didn’t know any French at all before
visiting Paris, but within a day or two, I was jabbering away like a native! <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>As a matter of fact, here is the
letter, with my expert translation capitalized and in parentheses.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Mars 2012 <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(MAILED
FROM MARS IN 2012)</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Bonjour! <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(WASSUP?)</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Comment vas tu? <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(I
TRUST YOU HAVE RECOVERED FROM THE DYSENTERY). J’ai tres bien (THE PEN OF MY
AUNT IS IN THE GARDEN OF MY UNCLE). <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Quelle
heur est t’il? <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(DID YOU
SPEND HOURS EXPRESSING DISGUST AT THE SMALLNESS OF THE MONA LISA?) <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Moi, aussi <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(MY BUTT IS THE VICTIM OF PAINFUL
CONSTIPATION). <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>C’est vrai,
il ne pas chocolate <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(COULD
YOU PLEASE SEND SOME EX-LAX?) <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Madonna
aussi <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(I UNDERSTAND THAT
MADONNA HAS THE SAME PROBLEM). <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>L
plume de ma tante est en le jardin de mon oncle <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(WHILE IN PARIS, DID YOU EAT MUCH
SPOILED FOOD COVERED IN RICH CREAM SAUCES?) <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Oui <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(ALSO, SEND ME SOME NAUGHTY MAGAZINES). <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Comment s’appelle t’il? <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(IS IT TRUE THAT THE TERM “FRENCH
KISSING” IS DERIVED FROM WHAT U.S. GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS ARE COMPELLED TO DO TO
FRENCH HEADS OF STATE’S NETHER REGIONS IN ORDER TO SECURE ANY SORT OF EVEN THE
REMOTEST COOPERATION?) <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Voulez-vous
coucher avec moi? <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(HAVE YOU
PURCHASED A NEW COUCH?) <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Present-nous,
veux tu? <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(GIVE ME THE
NEWSPAPER BEFORE I BECOME VEXED). <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Des
saucises, sans doubt <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(THE
SPAGHETTI SAUCE IS FULL OF SAND).</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Au revoir <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(LATER,
DUDETTE)</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;">Jean Paul <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>(GEORGE
RINGO)</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 24pt; margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 24.0pt; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt;"><u1:p></u1:p>If
you have anything you need translated, be sure to send it my way. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I’m always glad to help.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<u1:p></u1:p>
<u1:p></u1:p>
<u1:p></u1:p>
<u1:p></u1:p>
<u1:p></u1:p>
<u1:p></u1:p>
<u1:p></u1:p>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-52417726472123902042015-08-10T02:39:00.000-07:002015-08-10T02:39:01.827-07:00TRICK FISH, EXORCISMS & SURPRISE PARTIES<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 6.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Did you have pets when you were
little? We did.</span><span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 6pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">My parents purchased a pair of hamsters for my brother
and me, because they wanted us to witness the "miracle of birth." <br />
Well,<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><em>they'd</em><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>be sorry... <br />
My little brother, Markie, ever
interested in anything he was too young to understand, stepped up to Mom
one day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 6.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">"Mommy, we have a male and a female
hamster, right?" <br />
"That's right." <br />
"And they're going to have
babies, right?"<br />
"Uh huh."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 6.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">"And
they do something called 'mating' to make those babies, right?"<br />
"Yes."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 6pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">"Then I have a question."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 6pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">"What is it?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 6pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">"When you and Daddy made me, did Daddy chase you
around the room and bite you on the leg?"<br />
So much for the hamsters.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 6pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">
After that, we had a series of animals that met, shall we say, an early
demise. We had tropical fish that Markie ran in, all excited, one day to
report on.<br />
"Hey, Mom! Our fish are
really smart! They learned a trick all by themselves!"<br />
"Really?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 6pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">"Yeah! They can swim upside down!"<br />
They were buried at sea, so to
speak.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 6pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;">From there, he had parakeets that
could lie on their backs for hours and hours, turtles that could concentrate so
well that they never moved, a frog that croaked (with and without noise), a
guinea pig that had a massive coronary when my brother arranged a surprise
party for it, and a rabbit that just couldn't take it anymore, and chewed
through an electrical cord. We found the suicide note under a carrot.</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 6pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Next, he had a kitten that hung in for quite a
while. It alarmed the neighbors that something at our house actually
lived, and there was talk that it was possessed by evil spirits. The
kitten subsequently disappeared, and I contend, to this day, that it was
kidnapped and taken to the local church for exorcism.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 6pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Then there was the hognose snake, which mysteriously
"got lost." My father found it when he put his hand in the
box of nails in the garage and was met with attitude in the strike
position. Markie's bottom was met with my father's palm in the flat
position. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 6pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">But you know what really scares me?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 6pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Markie is now in veterinary college.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 6.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-30575671768703065592015-07-27T08:44:00.001-07:002015-07-27T23:45:41.650-07:00TATTOOS, GAGS & THE FOURTH STOOGE<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">You know
what really moves me just to the left of complete apoplexy? </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“No, Carson,” you reply.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span> “What
is it today?”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I will ignore the sarcasm of your snide question, because
#1—there’s a bit of truth to it, curmudgeon that I am fast becoming, and #2—you'll read my ramblings anyway.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">The answer is: <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>modern
medicine.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I have never felt more bovine than when I am visiting my doctor. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Oh, and that’s another
thing—“visiting” --like it’s some kind of a social gathering—for which you must
pay and pay dearly.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span> And
since when do you pay to visit someone, anyhow?<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span> I think a trip to the doctor
should be called “fiscal disquietude” or perhaps, “Abandon all hope, ye who
enter here” with a picture of an empty wallet spotted with tear stains, or
alternatively, a bleeding stone.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Whether you have health insurance or not, staying alive and well
has become financially ruinous. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I
happen to have insurance, but the policy I could afford has a deductible that
rivals the National Debt; so I’m alive and well and now I’m also depressed and
stressed out and eating Cheerios three meals a day to pay for all this good
health.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">It might not be so ghastly if you could actually have a mutually
concerned partnership with your medico. </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">It is to laugh.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">These days, at least in Arizona, this is how a patient fleecing usually goes—you sign
in and you wait—oh, and before I forget, bring a book with you (preferably<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">War and Peace</i>)
and enough food and water to last a couple of days, anyway. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>So while you’re chewing on your last
piece of beef jerky and are on the last page, the doctor’s assistant ushers you
into the inner sanctum, where you will be weighed (love that part) and your
pulse and blood pressure will be taken. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I
always ask about the blood pressure results, just to confirm how totally pissed
off I am by that point.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">The assistant looks at me like it’s none of my damned business,
mumbles something, then legs it out of the room.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I sigh. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I
grab a magazine from the rack in the room. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Oh, joy. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>A copy of “Guns and Ammo” from
1976. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I read it with
interest, as I am hoping to pick up a few pointers for when I return later that
afternoon, with 'my leetle friend.'</span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Finally, the doctor, or, as I like to refer to him, 'Henry Ford,' <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>because there is nobody but a
present-day doctor who can make you understand the concept of an assembly line
better, arrives.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Now, I’ve been going to this ding-dong for quite a while now, and
though he’s finally learned my name, he is unable to remember much else about
me. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>One might think he’d
take a moment to consult my file before he walked in; but no. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Such niceties have gone the way of
$1.00 a gallon gasoline.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Let me give you an example:</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">In the initial new patient paperwork that we all fill out, there
is an area that requires you to list any surgeries you’ve had. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I had a hysterectomy in 1999, so I put
it down.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">A couple of months later, I came in for a physical.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“You need a PAP smear,” the doctor said.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“For what?” I asked. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“I
had a hysterectomy. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I don’t
think that stuff grows back.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“You need it. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>You
can still get cancer of the vaginal wall.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">At that time, I had no insurance at all, and I knew a referral to
an OB/GYN would cost me big. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>My
doctor in Connecticut (whom I miss sorely—he was one of the all-around great guys) always did
the smears himself, so I figured this guy could deal with it here.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“Can you do it? I asked foolishly</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“Sure.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">He got all his mining equipment together squished on the KY and
got on with it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span class="apple-converted-space"><span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> </span></span><span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Then, he asked me
the question.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“Have you had a hysterectomy?”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“Yes,” I replied, wondering in which landfill my new patient
paperwork was currently mouldering. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>You’d
have been proud of me—I didn’t say anything more than “yes.” </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">The holes in my tongue are pretty well healed up now.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">So he did the smear. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“Come
back in a week,” he said.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“But what about the rest of the physical?”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“I want to get one thing dealt with at a time,” he replied as he
hopped it out of the consulting room.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">He was with me for a total of ten minutes…for $143.00. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>And that didn’t include the cost of
the lab work for the test.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Okay. One week later, I’m back in his office. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>He arrives in the consulting room.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“The test was inconclusive. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>We'll have to do it again.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Since I had taken the precaution of gagging myself before he
walked in, lest I inadvertently blurt out something obscene, I simply nodded.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I did, however, glare at him in a hostile manner.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Another ten minutes, another $143.00, and ‘come back in a week.<u1:p></u1:p>’</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Back in a week.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“The test was inconclusive. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>We have to do it again.” <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Behind my gag, I thought of how
fortunate it was that I had had the foresight to have someone tie my hands
behind my back that morning.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“But the good news is, I spoke to the GYN down the hall and she
told me about a better way to do this. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Should
give us some results this time.”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">The mere thought of where in hell this guy got his medical
training makes me shudder and take to my bed to this day.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">So, in we go again. </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“Have you had a hysterectomy?” he asks.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">That was pretty much it. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>The
bonds on my wrists shredded like paper, the gag blew out of my mouth and
imbedded itself in the opposite wall as Carson Buckingham, mild mannered
writer, went somewhere else and the Incredible Hulk, or S.J. Perelman—I’m not
sure which—took over.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">WHAT?<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span></i> If I’m not mistaken…<i>Doctor</i>…you have been spelunking in my
body three times now! <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Can
you not see that the usual suspects have taken a powder? <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Do I need to tattoo my inner thigh as
a friendly reminder? <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>Of
course, that won’t do any good anyway, because I have serious doubts that you
know how to read. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>And where
did you get your diploma—Billy Bob's Medical School and Fish Shack? <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I have seen things lying on their
backs at the bottom of bird cages that are more adept!”</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Oh, I did go on—for exactly ten minutes—then he left,
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">And when I got the bills from the lab and the doctor, I wrote a
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<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">“Finances Inconclusive.” <u1:p></u1:p></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-35835231912417762032015-07-16T09:17:00.000-07:002015-07-16T09:17:03.543-07:00FIRE ANTS, HOMEMADE JAM & BLOOD PRESSURE<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;"><br /> These days, with the economy in the state it’s in (Rhode Island, I think), I am
doing my level best to find multiple uses for everyday items in the home in
order to save money and make my husband, Stij, realize what a clever wife he
has and how lucky he is.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">And you know, I think I’m doing pretty well at it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">For instance—homemade jam. I grow grapes in the
back yard and this past season I was able to put up a quart and a half of grape
jam. I’m sure it’s delicious, but I managed to overcook it to the point
where the seven packets of pectin I added just said, “Oh, fuck it,” and
vulcanized the entire batch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">However, being the inventive person that I am, after
scraping it out of the pot with a crowbar, I discovered a myriad (don’t you
love that word?) of other uses. For example, after a mere hour of
blowtorching, I found that I could reshape the jam into intriguing sculptural
forms; that is, until Stij came in, demanding to know “…what that horrific
smell is and why are there 127,000 fire ants on the counter?” just prior to his
donning oven mitts and chucking the whole thing into a trash can--which he then
threw over the wall into our neighbor’s yard.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">“He’ll never know where it came from,” Stij said
confidently.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;"> "Oh, I wouldn't take bets on that," I
muttered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;"> All right, so the multi-use jam didn’t work out
too well. But how about brownies? Brownies can be used for a lot of
different things, too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Recently, I made a quadruple batch of them, but forgot
to add the eggs. After employing the crowbar previously used in the jam,
and cutting the hardened sheets into pieces on Stij’s band saw, there were
enough of them to glue to the concrete slab by the front door in a really
attractive herringbone pattern. While debating whether or not to paint
them, Stij walked by and told me that if I put any more of my failed baked goods
outside, the fire ants have threatened to eat the tires on his truck—just to
get rid of the taste.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">So much for that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Well, how about taffy, then? See? I don’t
even need to write anything; you’re already laughing. Why bother?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">So since I screwed up the stuff anybody can make,
I reasoned, “I guess they’re just<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">too</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>simple—maybe I should try something
more challenging.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Oh, don’t ask ME where I get this logic—just roll with
it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">I tried baklava, which ended up tasting like a
balaclava. However, if carefully sanded and polished to a high gloss, it
makes a really interesting sound when it hits the garbage can—ask my husband.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Another thing I made that had multiple purposes, which
was the original premise of this column—remember?—was pancake syrup. I
figured, no problem, I’ll go outside, tap a tree, and do it the old fashioned
way. So out I went with my peg and bucket and my drill. I drilled
an appropriately sized hole, affixed the bucket hanger and adjourned indoors to
watch “Jeopardy.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">When I went back out, the bucket was full of milky
white sap. I hauled it in and dumped it into a pot on the stove to begin
boiling it down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">It didn’t boil down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">It boiled over the pot, ran down the side of the oven,
and onto the linoleum floor, where it proceeded to eat right through to the
foundation. The fumes alone were removing the paint, sheetrock, and
framing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">It is to Stij’s credit that when he walked in on
Armageddon he didn’t just kill me and toss me over the wall to keep the garbage
can company.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;"> </span><span style="color: #f79646; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%; text-indent: 0.5in;">When we
finally got everything back under control, we assessed the wreckage. We
had exactly half a house left. Why it stopped at half, I’ll never
know. Maybe the doorknobs gave it indigestion. All I know is that
Stij managed to stuff it all into his refuse trailer and drove it off to the
landfill, after first saying a Novena that they would take it when he got
there. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">He was underwhelmed upon his return three hours later.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">“What happened? Did they take it?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">“Eventually,” he said. “When they asked me what
it was, I said, ‘pancake syrup,’ then they got all pissed off because they
thought I was being a smartass.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">“So what happened?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">“I explained your culinary exploits. Two of them
have wives who cook just like you do. We cracked a couple of beers and
traded stories, and here I am. What I want to ask you is this—which tree
did you tap?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">“That huge Rubber Tree out back.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">“That is NOT the kind of tree you tap for syrup.
You tap a MAPLE tree.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;"> “Oh, I know that. I just thought I’d add
some maple flavoring to it after it was boiled down. Sap is sap,
right? Your face is really red—are you having blood pressure problems
again?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">“High blood pressure is the least of my worries
lately.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">“Well, then, what do you want for dinner?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">“A paid-up life insurance policy. Since we only
have half a kitchen left, we’ll be eating out—for the next five months,
probably.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Now see that? Multiple uses. Beyond its
usual use, my pancake syrup can also be used to get your house remodeled, give
your husband the opportunity to make new friends, and get you taken out to
dinner. It also makes a great fire ant killer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">I’ll be releasing a cook book later this year, dear
reader, so watch this page!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-13362427757720012212015-06-29T03:01:00.002-07:002015-06-29T03:01:27.594-07:00WACKOS & DRESSING FOR DINNER<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">Have you
ever felt as if the world were slowly slipping beyond your grasp and that, if
allowed to sit quietly in a corner to contemplate it all for about ten minutes,
you will quietly go insane?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">This is
where I am now. No, not sitting in the corner—just quietly going insane
after having come to the conclusion that the world is completely out of
control.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">I’ll tell
you how I know this.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">I helped
out a friend last weekend in her shop. This is a business where people
come to buy clothing and specialty items. . .for their dogs and cats.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">You heard
me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">At first,
I was mildly amused, when a little old blue-haired lady dashed in and grabbed
me by the sleeve as if I were a lifeguard on the Titanic.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Will you
help me, please? <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>I’m in a
terrible hurry,” she said. <span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>“I
need a collar for my pussy—she likes blue.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">I looked
at her crotch and asked, “How can you tell?” and she left before I could show
her a single collar!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">Well, it
was easy to laugh off…at first.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">But then
things abruptly got worse.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">The next
customer to happen by was an older gent who was tethered to an English Bulldog.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Nigel
needs a dress coat,” he declared.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">I glanced
down at Nigel, who was slobbering so copiously that he looked as if he’d just
chewed up a can of shaving cream.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“No,
sir. Nigel needs a<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">rain</i>coat…”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">Nigel
proceeded to prove this by shaking his head with such alacrity that he coated
me, his owner, and the car across the street with more slime than Bill Murray
could have ever imagined.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“…and so
do I,” I said.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">Nigel’s
owner, dripping saliva that smelled like something FedEx’d from the bowels of
hell, didn’t miss a beat. “Nigel already has a raincoat. Now he
needs a dress coat, if you please.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Ah, a
dress coat—of course,” I said, donning a scuba mask and snorkel. “And
would you like spats with that, as well?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">Up strode
my friend. “Good morning, sir. Is Carson being of help?” she asked,
shooting me a withering look.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">I jumped
in before the old baggage could dry his soggy handlebar mustache enough to
reply. “Oh, yes, Gail. This gentleman is looking for a dress coat
for Ninny, here…”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“That’s<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Nigel</i>.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Of
course,<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Nigel</i>, pardon
me. At any rate, he may be interested in spats to go with it. Do we
have them?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“Certainly
we have spats. What size?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“I think
a medium would do nicely,” Nigel’s owner said.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">Good
God! Not only did we actually<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">have</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>spats for dogs, but this wacko knew
his dog’s size!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“And I
have a marvelous black camel hair Saville Row dress coat that would look
wonderful on him,” Gail gushed.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">Remember,
we’re talking about a dog here.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">So, Gail
trotted out a size 20 hand-tailored coat and matching spats for this
four-legged professional drooler and dressed him, wrapping a Burberry scarf
around Nigel’s not inconsiderable neck for a peak fashion statement.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“What, no
trilby?” I asked.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">“I’m
getting to that,” she whispered, skewering me with a filthy look. “I’m on
a roll. Just step back, watch and learn.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">I must
admit, when Gail got going, trying to stop her would have been as futile as
holding a newspaper over your head during a monsoon and expecting to stay
dry. Before the fellow left, not only had he purchased the coat and
spats, but he also opted for the trilby, a set of four Florsheim shoes and Yves
Saint Laurent monogrammed socks, a trench coat, three pairs of silk jockey
shorts, a smoking jacket, a pair of Egyptian cotton pajamas, and some erotic
leatherwear for when he’s feeling frisky with the ladies.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">Total
bill? $4500.00<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">He paid
it without a blink.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">I watched
him walk out the door. “Gail, I’ve been wondering—is this store near an
asylum, by any chance?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">I
received my third stink eye of the day in reply.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">There
followed a breeder of Corgis, whose pick of the litter was having a coming-out
party and needed a blue taffeta gown with matching heels; a Basset Hound
requiring a plaid cummerbund to complete his tuxedo for a New Year’s Eve
celebration; and a Rhodesian Ridgeback, whose owner purchased two original
Matisses because the dog house was looking so very drab. Oh, and let’s
not forget the French Poodle that absolutely<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">had</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>to have a hand-carved, solid mahogany
Louis XIV dog bed.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">And the
food! Cats choose from freeze-dried Komodo Dragon, Minced Mouse Mousse,
Chinchilla Sushi, or Passenger Pigeon Pate. Our little canine friends are
offered Steve’s Raw Chateaubriand Diet, Elephant Loin, White Buffalo Brain, and
(yum, yum) for those puppies that have been especially good, Braised Suckling
Pig.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 150%;"><span style="color: orange;">And now, if
you’ll excuse me, I’m off to lunch. Today I have a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich and an apple, which I share with the homeless gentleman down the
block.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-53339829597922260902015-06-16T06:51:00.000-07:002015-06-16T11:21:05.168-07:00OODLES AND OODLES OF DOODLES<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">I worked in the pet trade years ago, and
came away from the experience with a ‘pet peeve.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">New dog ‘breeds.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">You’ve all heard of the Labradoodle. This is a cross between a Poodle and a
Labrador Retriever. When this ‘breed’
was newly-minted in Australia at the Tegan Ranch, the progeny sold for $1500 to
$2500!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Not a bad price for a mutt…and that’s
what these puppies are. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">But folks used to come to the pet shop
daily with their noses in the air over these mongrels. Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing
against mutts—they make terrific pets, they are smart, and they have many fewer
health problems than the purebreds. But
for these affluent upper-classers to ponce around with their noses in the air
over a three-thousand-dollar puppy that they could have had for around fifty
bucks at a local shelter makes me think that the money would have been better
invested in brain transplants.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">BUT…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">As an enterprising citizen, I have
decided to cash in on this disposal of discretionary income that only P.T.
Barnum could have devised.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">I am going to create my own breeds, too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Here are my new Poodle crosses, as well
as a few others to be on the lookout for come next spring:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Great Poo—A Great Dane/Poodle cross. The name sums up what he will leave on your
lawn.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Cockadoodle—Poodle/rooster cross. Must be fed promptly at dawn.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;"> Shoobedoobedoodle—Poodle/Frank
Sinatra cross. Has questionable business
associates and blue eyes, but at least it’s hypoallergenic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Kittenkaboodle—Poodle/cat cross. Smart enough to do tricks, but refuses to.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Hungarian Pukei—Interesting looking dog
with a sensitive stomach. Eats
freeze-dried Pepto Bismol.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">French Chihuahua—usually seen around Taco
Bell, turning up its nose at the food because the proper wine isn’t being
served with it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">English Sheepdoodle—Sheepdog/Poodle cross. Herds circus performers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Saint Limberger—foul-smelling dog that
revives unconscious skiers by breathing on them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Pugoodle—Pug/Poodle cross. A small feisty dog that punches itself out
for looking like a sissy. White curly
coat, black eyes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Schipperkoodle—Schipperke/Poodle cross. A
small, irritating dog that lives way too long.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Bagel—a small hound plagued with yeast
infections.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Pit Poodle—Pit Bull/Poodle cross. A small fighting dog that slaps its adversary
into submission, then runs him over, pushing a gaily-decorated wagon full of
cats while balancing a ball on his nose.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Am I going to make a fortune, or what?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
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Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-70690308670622883852015-06-04T09:22:00.001-07:002015-06-04T09:22:14.634-07:00DENTAL HYGIENE & CHARLES MANSON<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">I have a question.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">When did the simple act of a child
brushing his or her teeth become a festival?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">I </span><span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-themecolor: accent6;">was </span><span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">in the grocery store the other day
and happened to notice that there is now an entire section of dental products
geared for the kiddies.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">We didn’t have this back in the Stone
Age, when I was a child.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">When learning the fine points of dental
hygiene, what we had was a mother
standing over us, handing us a plain old manual toothbrush, and squeezing onto
it the same mint-flavored toothpaste that the grown-ups used, then showing us
how to hold it and the proper way to brush.
Oh, and not to swallow the toothpaste, because we’d get sick if we did.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">That was it. We brushed our teeth twice a day and didn’t think
anymore about it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">That was then.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">NOW it’s a party. There are, conservatively, 700 different
types of toothbrushes, and even more if Disney comes out with yet another
animated movie hit. They are every color
of the rainbow. They are electric. Some
play music. Some talk. I think some even have DVD players in them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">So NOW, in a bathroom gaily festooned
with streamers, balloons, and glitter, the brushing of youthful teeth becomes a
rite of passage. Photographers are
hired. DJs set up in the bathtub. Party dresses and suits are purchased. The family is invited over.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Kids don’t even have to worry about
learning not to swallow the toothpaste—there is toothpaste that they CAN
swallow, in all different flavors including strawberry, chocolate, tutti
fruitti, split pea, and avocado. Not
only will they brush their teeth with the stuff, but will probably put it over
ice cream, too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">It’s going to be a bad day at the local
Emergency Ward when the kiddie toothpaste eventually changes over to the
regular kind and all the kids in town have to get their cute little stomachs
pumped because they each ate three tubes of regular toothpaste, never having been
told that they can no longer do that. On
the up-side, the stomach pump will be pastel colored and sport stickers from ‘The
Lion King.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Then, there’s the kiddie mouthwash in
many bright colors, most of which are reminiscent of toxic waste. These
products will brighten their teeth, give them healthy gums, and raise their IQs
by 75 points. And the bottle even converts
to a scooter! That’s another thing—the bottles. In order to add to the society-page cotillion
that oral hygiene has already become, we add mouthwash containers shaped like ‘Hello
Kitty,’ the Minions, Sponge Bob SquarePants, Edgar Allan Poe, and Charles
Manson.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 12.0pt; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: #f79646; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: accent6;">Well, the kids can have all that
crap. Me? I’m waiting for the Chardonnay flavored
toothpaste.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-3709221448402257932015-05-24T08:17:00.001-07:002015-05-24T08:17:21.506-07:00OFFICE MAX & GERMANS (DON'T MENTION THE WAR)--PART TWO <div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">Picking up where we left off last week: my twelve bookcases and desk were finally delivered from Office Max, I'm now out of the hospital after emergency back surgery, and the time has come to put the damned things together. Oh, yes. I have to put them together all by myself.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">First, the bookcases. According to the box, no tools are necessary for assembly, and each case only takes twenty minutes to put together. Buoyed by that statement, I opened the first box and ripped open my right hand on some sort of packing crap…I think it may be called a brad or a staple or, hell, Mildred Pierce for all I know.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">Following a quick trip to the emergency room and 57 stitches, with the promise of a 50/50 chance of being able to use my thumb again, I set to.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">I yanked at the boards in the box. Nothing. They were stuck. I sat down on the floor, braced the box with my feet, and really put my back into it. Out flew a long board, narrowly missing my head before embedding itself in the wall. Try as I might to remove it, it became clear that board and plaster had plighted their trough, and would be joined there for all time.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">I stepped back and surveyed the destruction; much like van Gogh would step back from a painting in progress just prior to cutting off some body part or other. To sum up, I now had clotted, drying blood all over my beige oriental rug and a six-foot board sticking out of my wall, looking as if it were shot there by some gigantic deranged Indian.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">What to do?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">I grabbed two stools, placed one on each side of the board, and called it a "Breakfast Nook."<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">Being a humorist and therefore having no capacity for self-preservation, I opened another bookcase box.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">Out charged the biggest rat I've ever seen since Humphrey Bogart in <em>The Roaring Twenties</em>.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">My ferret, Gizmo, took a great deal of interest in this rat, and in a frenzy, managed to get out of his cage and make a beeline for Mickey Mouse on PCP. The fact that this rodent was twice the size of Giz didn't seem to bother him at all. He latched onto the hairless tail with all the might and killer instinct that a two pound animal can muster, and proceeded to be dragged around the room by this panic-stricken, shrieking rodent. Vases toppled and smashed gaily on the floor. Plants were overturned and trampled. Bric-a-brac didn't stand a chance as the rat scrambled up onto furniture with my ferret still attached to his nether regions. Watching him try to get shed of Giz reminded me of kids playing "Crack the Whip" at ice skating rinks.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">But Gizmo would not be moved. Well, that's not entirely true. He'd allow himself to be dragged around the apartment like a dust mop, but that tail was going to remain firmly clenched in his fangs.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">Finally, the rat got tired of it all, reached back and gave Gizmo a roundhouse punch in the nose. It surprised him enough to let go, and the rat legged it to parts unknown, leaving me with an embarrassed, ashamed ferret to comfort. After two hours of assuring him that I didn't think he was a pantywaist, I returned to the bookcases.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">The rat was still at large, but I didn’t care anymore.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">I emptied the box of its selection of boards and little hardware doodads that I assumed I'd be needing, and picked up the instructions…which were written in German!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">I am nothing if not game, so I laid the pieces out in what looked like the appropriate arrangement, and started putting in dowels and screwing in screws…for the next three hours.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">"Twenty minutes! @$%#%$#% Office Max! @$**%#$#% bookcases! And mostly, %$#@$#@%#%#% <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Germans</i> who don't have the decency to provide English instructions!" I remarked.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">At any rate, at the end of three hours, the swearing was done and I stepped back to drink in the full impact of my creation.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">It didn't look like a bookcase.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">It looked more like a chicken coop in a slum. </span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">I took it apart and tried again.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">This time, it was a ghastly recreation of my ex-husband that I knew would haunt me until the day I died.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">Some would call me "persistent," others might opt for "idiot," but I gave it one more try.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">My final effort resembled something out of an Irwin Allen movie, and the rat immediately moved into it…to give birth. Though I had to relocate them to a shoebox, I <em>am</em> keeping her family, and the rest of us, nice and warm.</span></span><br />
</div>
<div style="line-height: 24px; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: orange;">Guess what I'm using for firewood?</span></span></div>
Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-85772294091735528142015-05-15T08:22:00.000-07:002015-05-23T10:05:03.780-07:00BOOKCASES, IDIOTS & NOVENAS<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I made the grave error of buying something from Office Max, a/k/a
"Temple of Doom."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">But let me backtrack a bit.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Having moved into a new apartment, and living alone for the first
time in my life, I discovered I was woefully unprepared to deal with setting
the place up. For one thing, I am a book fanatic, and have a personal
library of over 6,000 volumes. Unfortunately, I had not one bookcase to
my pitiful name. The time had come, as the Walrus said, to stop threading
my way through my living space around ten-foot vertical piles of books.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Being somewhat frugal at this point in my life, I naturally
checked the Sunday circulars to see who might be having a sale. After
flipping through Circuit City, Best Buy, Wal-Mart, Sam's, and a place called
"Jimmy's House of Edible Lubricants" flyers, I came upon an ad from
Office Max. To my delight, they were having a great sale on, not only the
bookcases I needed, but also on computer desks. The clouds parted.
Seraphim sang in perfect harmony. A ray of sunlight fell across my
face--a face that was covered with a sheen of grateful tears.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Who says the universe doesn't have a sense of humor?</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I high-tailed it down to Office Max, humming all the way. I
danced in the front door, only to find…ground zero when the shit bomb hit.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I had never seen such disorder in my entire life. If ever a
place of business looked as though it had been picked up 2000 feet and dropped,
this was it. But, undaunted (well, okay, maybe a little bit daunted) and
spurred on the by the great prices, I stumbled forward.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Upon finding the desk/bookcase area, I glanced around for a
salesperson.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Nada.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Finally, I ran serpentine through the mess and inquired at the
customer service desk. I was sent a salesperson forthwith. Or, as
forthwith as I could get, anyway.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">After about twenty minutes, a wizened man three days older than
dirt tottered up to me. "Can help you, Miss?" he rasped,
in a voice reminiscent of Im Ho Tep. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;"> Stifling the urge to
reply, "Gee, may<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>help<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">you</i>," I told
him of my mission.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"I'll have to check out back to see if we have any more
left," he said, and in the style of Tim Conway's little old man, shuffled
off to the nether regions.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Thirty-five minutes later, he returned, and I noticed that he was
now wearing one of those Mission Impossible type black headsets. I
wondered if this was really the image they wanted to project to a shopper in
their establishment.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"I'm sorry, Miss, but we'll have to order them for
you," he said.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Why? The circular was just released this
morning! How could you possibly have sold out of them already?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"I just work here, Miss. I don't know."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Ah, that sounds familiar. Just following orders?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"That's right, Miss. The order desk is right this way."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I shrugged and followed him. It didn't really make that
much difference, I supposed. I'd done without them this long; a few more
days wouldn't matter.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">At the desk, their latest twelve-year-old hire greeted me with a
highly professional, "Yeah?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"I need to order twelve bookcases and a computer
desk." I'd brought the circular with me, so I pointed out exactly
what I wanted. "Please have them delivered on a Tuesday."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Lady, you can't just pick a day like that!"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Then this is the only store in American where I
can't!" I retorted.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Another twelve-year-old, drawn by the raised voices, sauntered
over. "Sure she can," he said.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">This resulted in a filthy look from moron number one, and
additional typing. Oh, I could see tense times at recess today!</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"What's your phone number?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I gave it to him.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"What?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I repeated it.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Excuse me?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I repeated it.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"OK. Is it 236-8799?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Close. 646-5086."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"What was that again?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">After another five minutes of this delightful banter, I gave it
to him in semaphore and American Sign Language, and I think he finally got it.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"That's $853.72. Your order will be delivered on
Tuesday between 8:00 am and 5:00 pm."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Can you be any more specific than that?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"No," he said, handing me my receipt.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Well, you're welcome, of course. And I must say, it's
been a wonderful, friendly experience, and I think I'll have you all over for a
big cookout this summer!" I snarled, snatching my receipt and stomping out
the door.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I wondered what the odds were that I would actually receive the
items I ordered.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">So, Tuesday morning came, and I bounded out of bed to the
jangling of the alarm clock. This is not easy to do on a day off, but I
did it, because I wanted to be ready when everything arrived.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I waited all day and the only person who showed up was a
Jehovah's Witness, looking for heathens. I sent him to the apartment below me,
but not before telling him that he might want to stop back tomorrow, because by
then I will have committed a murder.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Oh. You ordered something from Office Max, didn't
you?" he asked. "Believe me, God will understand. He may even
help you."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I thanked him, gave him a cookie, and directed him
downstairs. Misery loves company, don't you know.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">At 5:15, desperately trying to keep my voice from sounding like
something out of "The Exorcist," I placed a call of Office Max.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Office Max. How may I direct your call?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"The store manager, please," I said.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Hello, this is Wayne." Good God! His voice
hadn't even changed yet!</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I told him my tale of woe. No matter what I said, he
replied with, "I can certainly understand how you feel."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Finally, after the fourth time he said that, I asked, "How
can you possibly understand how I feel? Have you bought something from
Office Max recently?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Oh, no! I'm a whole lot smarter than that!"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Yes, you probably are," I sighed. "How are you at
ducking throwing knives?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Why?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Oh, no reason. Just call the warehouse and find out
what happened, will you please?" I asked. "And then call me
back and let me know what's what."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Fine."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">After twenty minutes, Wayne called me back.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"It seems that there was some damage to some items on the
truck, and they couldn't be delivered," he sniveled.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"And when was this reported, Wayne?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Mumbling.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Pardon me? I didn't hear you."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"At noon."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"AT NOON! And you couldn't be bothered to pick up the
phone and let me know? I've been sitting around my apartment all day with
my thumb where the sun don't shine, and you're telling me that your people knew
AT NOON that the delivery wasn't going to be made? Is that what you're
telling me, Wayne?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Um, yes?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Hold on, Wayne. I have to run and stick my head into
a bucket of ice water so it won't EXPLODE! Don't go anywhere!"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">When I returned to the line, I was considerably calmer.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"I WANT TO KNOW JUST WHAT THE HELL YOU PLAN TO DO ABOUT
THIS, YOU AMAZING MORON!" I remarked casually.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">After screaming myself hoarse, we decided that the items would be
delivered the following Tuesday, when I would again be at home for the
day. In return, I agreed not to lie in wait for Wayne in the parking lot
with the intention of chewing his leg off.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">During the balance of the week, I said twenty-three Novenas,
sacrificed three white roosters, and danced naked by a fire in the light of the
full moon. Confident that I had all bases covered, when Tuesday rolled
around, I again leapt from the covers early, and waited with, as Dickens would
have said, great expectations.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">At 12:30, there was a tap at my door. Sure it was the
delivery, I flung it open.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">On my welcome mat stood a short, fat creature who looked like he
just crawled out of a pipe. "Delivery from Office Max," he
mumbled.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Fine! Bring it on in!" I cried.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Nope. I was told that this was a dock-to-dock
delivery. I don't get paid to haul this stuff up two flights of
stairs. There are fourteen boxes in the truck and they're really heavy."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Do you mean to tell me that they sent you out all by
yourself, with no help?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Yeah, lady, and I have a bad back like you wouldn't
believe."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"My friend, once I get through with your boss, he's going to
wish a bad back was ALL he had!"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Door shuts. Short, fat deliveryman exits stage left.
Our protagonist grabs the phone and dials Office Max.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"How may I direct your call?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"WAYNE! WAYNE NOW!"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"I'm sorry, but he's tied up at the moment."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"THEN GET HIM UNTIED, YOU PERVERT, AND PUT HIM ON THE PHONE,
PRONTO!"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"One moment."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Thirty seconds later, my buddy, Wayne, arrives.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Hello?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY? 'HELLO?' THIS IS
CARSON BUCKINGHAM, IN CASE YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE MY SWEET, DULCET TONES!"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Oh my God. What happened?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">He didn't have to ask ME twice. He got such an earful, it had
to have been leaking out his nose.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">When I finally lost my voice, Wayne said he'd call the warehouse
and see if they could get the short, fat deliveryman some help and send him
back over.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Fine," I croaked.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Two hours later, another tap at my door. I said a quick
prayer of thanks to any deity that cared to listen, and opened up.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">It was the Jehovah's Witness again.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Hello. I just thought I'd stop by to see if you
needed any calming down."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"How on earth did you know?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"You're dealing with Office Max, my child."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Right. Please come in."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">We talked for hours and he calmed me down considerably…until I
glanced at the clock.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"It's 4:35! DO YOU BELIEVE THIS? IT'S 4:35 AND
NOT A GODDAMNED SIGN OF THEM!"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Now, Carson, remember what we discussed…forgiveness,
serenity, patience…"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"OH, BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!" I suggested, scrabbling for
the phone.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Office Max. How may I direct your call?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I shrieked into the receiver.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Oh, hello, Ms. Buckingham. I'll get Wayne for you."</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Hello, this is Way…"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"THE QUESTION YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF IS, 'DO I FEEL
LUCKY?' WELL, DO YA…PUNK?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"Oh, Ms. Buckingham…hello. Did your delivery arrive?"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">"NO, MY DELIVERY DID<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">NOT</i><span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>ARRIVE. CHRIST WILL ARRIVE
BEFORE MY DELIVERY DOES!"</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Wayne, fearing for his life, came up with a cunning plan.
The items would be delivered the following evening at 6:30, when I would be
home from work.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">OK.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">The next evening, I actually allowed myself to feel
hopeful. I arrived at home at 6:20 and walked up the stairs, only to
discover that my doorway was completely walled in, 'Cask of Amontillado' style,
by fourteen huge boxes!</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">After I finished banging my head against the wall and shuffling
these monoliths out of the way, I propped open my door and dragged the fourteen
boxes, easily weighing about 150 pounds each, into my abode.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 12.0pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in; mso-add-space: auto; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">As a result of all this heavy lifting, I am now in the hospital.
They want to put me in traction to correct my back problem and relieve my pain,
but the traction machine is broken.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">They're waiting for a part from the medical division of Office
Max.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="color: orange; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">I may just slit my wrists and save them the trouble.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="center" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<strong><span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">(NEXT WEEK: PART
TWO)</span><u1:p></u1:p></strong><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 150%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6442542639371742051.post-90552084003856438362015-05-06T08:08:00.000-07:002015-05-06T08:08:13.189-07:00ADVERTISING, RESTRAINTS & THE TOOTH FAIRY<br />
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333320617676px;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I left the field of advertising (I was a copywriter) when I determined that wracking my brain to come up with catchy names for lard and tampons was one of the most ridiculous things a grown-up person can do for a living.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><o:p></o:p></span></h1>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333320617676px;"> </span><span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333320617676px; text-indent: 0.5in;">Here’s a small vignette, by way of demonstration:</span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333320617676px;">HE:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How was work today, dear?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What did you do?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333320617676px;">SHE:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, I spent two hours of my finite existence naming toilet bowl cleaner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How does “Flushy Brushy” grab you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333320617676px;">HE:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t really understand it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think it needs revision. (“HE” peels off his human facemask revealing . . . gasp . . . <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">the</i> <i>client</i>!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333320617676px;">SHE:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333320617676px;">HE:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, it’s me!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I’ll keep on throwing this copy back in your teeth until I get what I want!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t <i>know</i> what I want, but this isn’t it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Flushy Brushy” is way too cerebral!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The average consumer will <i>never</i> understand it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333320617676px;">SHE:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What about “Potty Clean”?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333320617676px;">HE:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where do you get your ideas, anyway?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The city dump?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That stinks!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(HE pauses)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hey!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve got it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Stink-Away”!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whaddya think?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333320617676px;">SHE:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah, boy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That sure has class-A mass-market appeal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333320617676px;">The product is released and consumers go wild, snatching up every tin of Stink-Away they can find.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then they all run, with pitchforks and torches, to sprinkle it all over their local advertising agency.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333320617676px;"> That’s pretty much the way things go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The real payoff was that I was continually subjected to copy direction from a man who thought “comma” was spelled “coma.” (a state into which he would have fallen, had idle wishing proved productive).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333320617676px;">The funniest thing that ever occurred during my tenure was the company picnic, attended by two dozen advertising executives standing around, trying to figure out how to have a good time at a function that they couldn’t bill to the clients.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333320617676px;">Should any of you still be considering a career in the field of advertising, even after reading this far, I shall now include the first six lessons from <u>The Ad Man’s Primer</u> (which I just made up).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333320617676px;">LESSON #1 – The Ad Man<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">See the Ad Man<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">See him thinking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Think, Ad Man, think,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">See him get nervous.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">He chews his nails.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">He tears his hair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">He gulps Maalox.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">And it’s only 8:00 in the morning!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333320617676px;">LESSON #2 – New Employees<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">See the New Employee.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">See her smiling face.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">She is happy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">This will not last.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">She does not chew her nails.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">She does not tear her hair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">She does not gulp Maalox.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">The other employees are not sure<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Whether she is dead<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Or on drugs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333320617676px;">LESSON #3 – The Art Director<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">See the Art Director<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">He flits from here to there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">He worries about color<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">And amount of copy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">He talks funny.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">He adores antiques.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">He wears tight silk pants.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">He works part time<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">For the Tooth Fairy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333320617676px;">LESSON #4 – The Account Executive<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">See the man panic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Panic, man, panic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">This is the Account Executive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">He is called “A.E.” for short,</span><br />
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Though others have four-letter names for him, too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">He browbeats The Copywriter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">He makes The Art Director cry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">He “suggests” changes<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">While he holds a stick<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">With a nail in it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">He “points things out.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">He “asks for clarification.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">He never comes right out<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">And says, “Change this!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">He doesn’t want to stifle<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Your creativity!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 37.3333320617676px;">LESSON #5 – The Client and The Agency<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">The Client is who<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">The Agency depends on to survive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">The Agency is the parasite.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">The Client is the host.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Or vice-versa.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">The Agency does everything<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">To please The Client<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">No matter what!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Want to be the smartest person in the world?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Become The Client.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">The Agency will treat you just like Einstein,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Even if you can’t add, write, or tie your shoes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Think of all the money you’ll save.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Now you don’t have to go to college<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Or even finish high school!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;">LESSON #6 --THE CLIENT<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>See The Client.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Demand, Client, demand!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>He is unreasonable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>He makes Donald Trump<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Look like Tinkerbell.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>He will draw all over original artwork.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The Art Director will hang himself in the Ladies Room.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>He will rewrite award-winning copy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The Copywriter will be taken away in restraints.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>He will tell The Account Executive how to do his job.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The Account Executive will toss him out the nearest open window.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The Client learns a hard lesson as he hurtles toward the ground.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You don’t screw with salesmen on commission.</span></div>
Carson Buckinghamhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17135116985664988012noreply@blogger.com0