ORGASMS, PINA COLADAS & BOILS

Did you ever find yourself roped into tending bar at a party?  Now, I don't know about you, but if it's anything but a glass of wine, beer, or something straight, I'm at a total loss.  But I'd made the mistake of asking the hostess if there was anything I could do to help, and KAZAM!  I was in charge of libations.

Of course, the first person who walked up wanted some ghastly concoction called a "Sea Breeze."  Not wanting to reveal my ignorance, I mixed up a glass of salt water and sand and handed him a paper fan.  He gave me a funny look and walked away.

"I'd like a 'Harvey Wallbanger,' please," a rotund little fellow said.

"OK," I replied cheerfully.  I gave him a glass of half orange juice and half horseradish.  I didn't know if his name was Harvey or not, but he sure was banging on the walls after he gulped that down!

"A 'Fuzzy Navel,' please."

"Sure!"  Orange juice and cat hair!  Next!

"Vodka and tonic, please."

Easy!  Stoli and Geritol!  Who needs bartending school?

"A 'Pina Colada,' if you would."

"Comin' right up!"  If I recalled my Spanish correctly, "pina colada" translated to "spastic colon," so I gave him a glass of six squares of Ex-Lax dissolved in hot prune juice.  No one saw him again after he drank it, but looking out the window, I could see lines forming at the service station restrooms across the street, since no one could get into the bathroom here.

"I'd like a 'Mai Tai.'"

"You already have-a your tie," I replied, trying to sound as Italian as he did, so he wouldn't feel uncomfortable.  He walked away looking confused.

"A 'Boilermaker,' please."

"Right!"  A glass of apricot juice, Night Train, and sterno.

"What IS this?" he gasped after his first sip.

"Your 'Boilermaker.'  I get boils every time I drink it."

"Okay, let me rephrase," he said.  "I'd like a shot and a beer."

"Really?"

"YES!"

 I shrugged.  "Okay."  I punched him in the nose and handed him a beer.

A young woman stepped up.  "I'd like an 'Orgasm,' please."

"Who wouldn't?"

"I mean to drink!"

"Honey, what you do behind closed doors is your business.  Who's next?"

"A 'Rusty Nail,' please."

"No problem.  If you'll just step out into the garage…"

Am I a great bartender, or what?