STATISTICS, GEORGE CLOONEY AND WHITE RATS

        You know what really bugs me?  Statistics and the way people manipulate them.  Let’s have some studies that make some kind of sense for a change, shall we?

For example:

   9 out of 10 doctors recommend food as a cure for starvation.

   New study shows that women just want you to leave them the hell alone.

   Testing in Switzerland reveals that dogs are unlikely to rob banks. Cats, however, are.

   Testing in the Ukraine reveals that dogs are illiterate but cats write for the National Enquirer.

   Testing in the USA reveals that 9 out of 10 dogs make it a point to lick their butts just before licking your face. Cats will just spit in your eye.

   People Magazine Readers’ Poll Results:  10 out of 10 readers say, “Shut the hell up about George Clooney, Already!”

   After years of research, M.I.T. discovers that everything’s already been done and there’s really nothing new.

   Psychology Today study: Why don’t people like prison? (Rather than allocate actual funds for this, the psychologist was simply airlifted to Attica and locked up to do his own research and, hopefully, learn to ask more pertinent questions in future studies.)

   Harvard research scientists discover that in every case tested, drowning deaths in rats were caused by water.  Application to humans currently being tested.

   Statistics show that drowning deaths are on the rise in Cambridge, Massachusetts, among both white rats and humans. Harvard officials postulate plague, decline interviews.